By Ned Cantwell
Why couldn’t it have been Portales? Deming? Socorro? I mean, who ever heard of Eagle, Colo.? Just about the whole world, is all. Some little New Mexico town could have been famous if Kobe Bryant had misbehaved there.
Thirty-five satellite trucks showed up in Eagle, Colo., so television viewers the world over could watch a totally insignificant, seven-minute legal procedure in Bryant’s celebrated case.
I had the sound muted as I watched CNN’s coverage, but here is what I guess was being said:
WOLF BLAZTER: Let’s go to our legal analyst Jeffrey Tooba. Jeffrey, some legal experts find it curious the judge required Kobe Bryant to show up for this nothing procedure, and, further, that he is allowing cameras in the courtroom. Your take?
JEFFREY TOOBA: Wolf, this judge realizes the importance of showing America how the justice system works and he believes that open hearings are at the very foundation of our system. Furthermore, he is a publicity-mad showboat who knows this is his chance for limelight, damn the consequences.
WOLF: Fascinating, just fascinating. Well, as you see Kobe Bryant has arrived. Oh-oh. His wife did not accompany him. Is that significant?
NANCY GRACELESS: Oh, I am just blown away by this, Wolf. It certainly could mean she has begun to distance herself, and believe me, the jury will pick up on that in a hurry. On the other hand, it could simply mean she had a hair appointment. Wolf, I’ve tried hundreds….
WOLF: Oh, shut up, Nancy. I mean, fascinating, just fascinating. I could not help but note that after Kobe Bryant exited the SUV, he extended a helping hand to his female attorney. Is there any significance to this?
UGLY LIBERAL LADY WITH IRRITATING VOICE: Indeed there is, Wolf. First of all, this shows once again he is a sexist pig who looks down on women to the point he thinks they can’t even get out of a car by themselves. Furthermore, it is telling that he offered his left hand. Everyone who knows Kobe knows he fakes to the left before driving to the basket. He is a fake who…
WOLF: Fascinating, just fascinating. We are part of what is by no stretch of the imagination a media circus. Is there any significance to the fact the media is making so much of this event?
POMPOUS MEDIA PROFESSOR DORK FROM SOME FAMOUS EASTERN UNIVERSITY: Well, Wolf, the Kobe Bryant case is certainly an American tragedy. Indeed, it is a metaphor for much in our society. It is as if Kobe is holding up a mirror to our culture.
WOLF: I have no idea what any of that meant but I am sure it is fascinating, just fascinating. I see the hearing is complete. Jeffrey, what was it like inside that courtroom?
JEFFREY TOOBA: Wolf, Kobe Bryant maintained a serious demeanor throughout the proceeding and it underscored for me the gravity of his situation.
WOLF: Fascinating, just fascinating. You can be sure we will stay on top of this story. Meanwhile, we will launch an investigation into how much the cable networks pay analysts for such inane observations. Now, 60 seconds around the world: Four more soldiers killed in Iraq today …
Ned Cantwell of Ruidoso is a retired newspaper publisher and member of the New Mexico Press Association Hall of Fame. E-mail him at: