Two cows explain politics

Bob Huber

You haven’t reached life’s high-water mark until your grandkids ask, “What’s the difference between Republicans and Democrats?”

The upshot is, if you’re smart, you’ll devise a basic list of replies designed to be understood by children. Take my personal favorite, the “Two Cows Response.” Here’s a sampler. It begins with, “If you are a …”

DEMOCRAT — You have two cows, but your neighbor has none. Devise a program where your neighbor gets money to buy a cow but has to pay higher taxes.

REPUBLICAN — You have two cows, but your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST — You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to manage your neighbor’s cow.

COMMUNIST — You have two cows. The government seizes them and provides you with milk. You wait in line to get it. It’s expensive and sour.

CAPITALIST — You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and get into the cattle business. If you don’t mind flies, you can get rich and buy a new belt buckle.

BUREAUCRAT — You find a farmer with two cows. You pay him to shoot one and milk the other. Then you tell him to pour the milk down the drain, and you pay him for that too.

AMERICAN COMPANY — You have two cows. You sell one and lease it back to yourself. When your cows die, you say you’re downsizing. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH COMPANY — You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You also want four-hour lunches to drink wine and ogle girls. Life is good.

JAPANESE COMPANY — You have two cows. You breed them so they are half-sized but produce 10 times more milk. They are top students at cow school.

GERMAN COMPANY — You have two cows. They drink beer, give excellent quality milk, and love winters. Their names are Hansel and Gretel, but you don’t trust Hansel. She just ain’t right.

ITALIAN COMPANY — You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You don’t care. You take a movie star to lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN COMPANY — You have two cows and some vodka. Before you know it, you see five cows. You sing a gloomy song, because that’s the way life is on the Volga when you run out of vodka and you discover you have only two cows. Life is sad.

IRAQI COMPANY — You have two cows, and you hide them. You send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH COMPANY — You have two bulls. Your employees get stomped trying to milk them.

CALIFORNIA COMPANY — You have lots of cows, and they all make California cheese. Only five understand English. Arnold likes those with big udders.

FLORIDA COMPANY — You have two cows, and everyone votes for the prettiest one. Some voters are too stupid to figure out the ballot. A bunch of bulls from out of state picks the winner. Life is good for the bulls.

AFGHANISTAN COMPANY — You own all the cows in the country, both of them, but you don’t milk them, because their veils get in the way. So you kill the cows and trade the meat for rifles. Life is good until you need bullets.

Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.