All I want for Christmas is an explanation

By Kevin Wilson: CNJ staff writer

It’s that time of year that has become an annual source of frustration foremost of my relatives. Since I have the ability to buy things I need and want, and my family’s too far away to know firsthand of my possessions, I’m one of the hardest people in the world to shop for.

It means I can either look forward to a Christmas Day full of gift cards (which say, “Be thoughtful for me”) or I can update my online wish lists.

I have a wish list on one popular shopping site, but I think I need to create a different type of wish list — one that doesn’t require shipping costs or wrapping paper. I would love the following things to come true for me this holiday:

— First, I would like a reclassification of what is holiday candy and what isn’t, focused on Mint M&M’s. Every time it comes close to the holiday, I raid two or three particular stores that stock this delicious treat. My friend Taylor would always have the candy in the last few weeks of December and tell me limited supply kept him from giving me more than a handful. Since I’ve found them, I stockpile them and constantly remind him of my superiority in this chocolate arms race — but I usually buy him a bag, too.

The problem is, there’s no reason to limit Mint M&M’s to the holidays.

Other mint candies exist everywhere, and to loosely translate a famous Seinfeld line, “Who’s gonna turn down a Mint M&M? It’s chocolate, it’s mint — it’s delicious.”

— A shift in Christmas movie preferences. Every Christmas Day, TNT shows 24 hours of “A Christmas Story,” the heartwarming tale of a kid who is constantly tortured by his obsession with a Red Rider BB gun as a Christmas gift. Frankly, I’m not sure why the second part of that sentence was necessary, seeing as how everybody’s familiar with at least five minutes of that movie.

Every time I watch this movie, I’m reminded that success has been fleeting for the star of the movie (Peter Billingsley, who most recently played the role of the feminine brother Richard in “The Break-Up”), and the movie spawned a very unfunny sequel. I’m sure we’ll be saying the same things about “Home Alone” just a few years from now.

There are two other Christmas movies I’d love to see on this 24-hour scale instead: “Die Hard” and “The Ref.” I’d much rather watch a loop of Bruce Willis playing a cop picking off terrorists one at a time, or see Denis Leary playing a thief, stuck in a house on Christmas Eve with a dysfunctional family (with a not-quite-famous-yet Kevin Spacey playing the father, no less).

— Finally, I’d like to see a documentary on the life of Kevin Federline. I think there’s got to be something men can learn by watching how a man with questionable talent and no previous fame ended up married to Britney Spears as her career peaked, and then she pays him alimony when the marriage ends. If I could get some explanation for that, it would be a great Christmas.

Kevin Wilson is a columnist for Freedom Newspapers of New Mexico. He can be reached at 763-3431, ext. 313, or by e-mail:
kevin_wilson@link.freedom.com