amos sets some new rules

By Gary Mitchell

Editor’s note: Since the holidays, Amos has been feeling the drudgeries of life under the church pew. He enumerates his complaints and decides to do something about it. Amos is a church mouse, who types by hopping on the computer keyboard, but he can’t operate the capital shift, and he shuns punctuation marks — except hyphens and dashes.

i ve said it before
boss but life ain t
easy under a cushionless
church pew

either the church
custodian gets sloppy
with the mop water
and floods my little
hole-in-the-wall home
or marcellus the cat
is forever chasing me
out of the kool-aid
covered kitchen

but in saying that
boss my biggest problem
is me
jesus and me would get
along just fine if me didn t
get in the way so much

so with the new year
here i prayed about it and
decided i needed some new
rules to live by — besides
the old ten commandments
you understand i needed some
way to personalize them to
me and make them more
translatable to my personal
situation

so here they are boss —

amos s new rules to live by —

number one — remember god —
put him above everything —
even a full bag of cheese puffs

number two — worship god
and not things — including
honorary membership in the
prestigious mickey mouse
club or tickets to the
super cheeseball game
featuring my favorite team
the dallas mouseboys

number three — don t
badmouth god or people —
not even marcellus the cat

number four — rest and
honor god s day my new
motto will be all work
and no rest makes amos
a grumpy pest

number five — honor your
elders and be kind to
your web-footed friends
for a duck may be somebody s
mother — oops sorry boss
i got carried away

number six — don t
deliberately hurt other
living creatures let
kindness and peace rule
your heart

number seven — respect
and honor every mouse s
marriage and family

number eight — don t take
another s bread or cheese
life is more than that

number nine — don t
fabricate the truth —
unless you re a writer
p s — i sorta added
that one on boss i don t
think that s in the
original version

number ten — try not to
lust after somebody else s
cheeserolet or cheese
roll or anything

the essence of life —
i m sure someone must
have said — is to love
god rest in your hammock
once in a while
smile at the sun and
be content with who
you are and what you
have

after all ain t god
good and life so
grand once you know
the man with the
master plan
amos