HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Barack Obama delivered a campaign speech at an outdoor rally in a Philadelphia suburb during a thunderstorm Tuesday. Lightning bolts literally flashed across the sky as he spoke. God just did the math and realized his taxes are going up.
• The L.A. Times refused to release video it obtained of Barack Obama praising his friend PLO representative Rashid Khalidi at a tribute dinner in Chicago. That’s the bad news. The good news is, it won’t take six weeks to figure out who won Florida.
• Miami Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga vowed to sell his team if Barack Obama wins, rather than pay higher taxes. The NFL owners are all in agreement. It’s bad enough they have to share the wealth with one another, they are not about to take in new partners.
• John McCain closed to within two points of the lead in Gallup’s poll of likely voters Tuesday, causing a Wall Street rally. He knew it was coming. Republicans over 70 always feel an ache in their knees three days before the stock market goes up.
• The San Francisco 49ers were reported Monday to be interested in hiring Condoleezza Rice as their team president. Her past could haunt her. Next year when she warns that the Dallas Cowb oys are loaded with offensive weapons, nobody’s going to believe her a second time.
• Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy from the roof of a house in West Hollywood in a Halloween display. The investigation is off to a slow start. Secret Service agents were pulled over six times by the cops for talking into their cufflinks while driving.
• California voters will go to the polls Tuesday and vote on a proposition which would outlaw gay marriage. The state has a simple creed. It states that life’s greatest experience is the love of two people, but you have to get in bed with the right two people.
• Barack Obama was tape-recorded saying the U.S. Constitution doesn’t give economic justice to all. Where’s he been for eight years? The Constitution wasn’t written to ensure equality, it was written to make sure that even an idiot could run this country.
• ATF agents arrested two young Nazi skinheads in Tennessee Monday who had planned to drive toward Barack Obama at full speed with guns blazing, while dressed up in tuxedos and top hats. The feds were tipped off by the manager of the tuxedo rental shop. Anybody in that neck of the woods knows that Hitler’s birthday isn’t until April.
• Prince Charles stated in London Tuesday that the real global crisis confronting the world is not financial, it’s climate change. There’s evidence he’s right. In the latest penguin movie, the mating ritual involves insincere chit-chat in a hot tub.
• Alaska’s Senator Ted Stevens brushed off reporters after his corruption conviction Monday and vowed to win re-election. It calls attention to the difference between regular Americans and elites. Outside of Washington and Wall Street, gravy train is a dog food.
• Turkey attacked northern Iraq Monday, a day after the U.S. raided Syria, following Iran’s threat to destroy Israel. Let’s wrap this up. Rand McNally is on deadline to publish next year’s world atlas and they need to know who’s going to be on the map.
• Boone Pickens said Friday his hedge fund lost $1 billion last month, and fellow oilman Aubrey McClendon also lost $1 billion. They’re still on television commercials. Just a month ago Boone Pickens and Aubrey McClendon were offering new energy plans for America, and today Sally Struthers can’t get the two of them adopted.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.