HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy in a Halloween display in West Hollywood. The law varies. If a gay gets hanged it’s a hate crime, if a black gets hanged it’s a federal crime, if an Arab gets hanged, it means he was cleared of having weapons of mass destruction.
• Barack Obama bought 30 minutes of time on seven TV channels Wednesday for a political commercial. It featured sob stories he heard on the campaign trail. When he promised to help everybody find new jobs, we had no idea he was casting a TV movie for Lifetime.
• Barack Obama spent millions of dollars to buy airtime on seven broadcast networks for his 30-minute infomercial. ABC did not air it. In case a cataclysm occurs, one network must remain on the air to ensure a continuity of sex and violence.
• John McCain and Barack Obama campaigned furiously Wednesday. The country seems evenly split. After the election Americans will be asking each other which of the two candidates they voted for, the mainstream media or the vast right-wing conspiracy.
• Sarah Palin was cheered Tuesday by evangelical voters in Ohio who love her pro-life stand. It’s against her interest when you think about it. Why is Sarah Palin pro-life when the longer John McCain lives, the longer she has to wait to be president?
• The Gallup Poll forecast a record turnout in California on Election Day. State law says polling places may be located anywhere except bars and whorehouses. If you think you can get away from politicians there, don’t ask who’s in the next room.
• An Ohio judge ruled Monday that voters may list a park bench as their place of residence when they register to vote. Not everyone has a fixed address. Since the foreclosure crisis began, Democrats live in the park and Republicans live in their cars.
• Barack Obama’s staff pleaded for get-out-the-vote volunteers in Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania. The memo said not to come if they’re expecting a vacation, they should only come if they want to work. Look, if they wanted to work they wouldn’t be Democrats.
• The L.A. Times refused to release a video of Barack Obama giving a glowing after-dinner toast to PLO activist Rashid Khalidi in Chicago. The Palestinian is a sworn enemy of Israel. All these old friends of Obama wanted to help him out by leaving the country before the campaign started, but they aren’t allowed on airplanes or ships.
• John McCain addressed a huge rally of supporters at a Philadelphia fieldhouse on Tuesday. The crowd went wild when he introduced Sarah Palin and she walked out to join him onstage at the microphone. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
• John McCain flooded the TV airwaves with ads ridiculing Barack Obama’s lack of experience. They never end. America no longer leads the world in the manufacture of steel, television sets and automobiles but our negative ad industry is second to none.
• Barack Obama’s spread-the-wealth tax plan was ripped Monday as socialism. It’s stunning to see a U.S. government leaning toward socialism. Bobby Kennedy used to spend a hour a day trying to kill Fidel Castro as part of his morning exercise routine.
• Barack Obama criticized the Supreme Court for not requiring economic equality for blacks 50 years ago when the Court re-interpreted the 14th Amendment to expand civil rights. It was quite doable. The 14th Amendment is like a human being, if you torture it long enough you can make it say anything you want it to say.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.