BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• CBS Radio marked the 70th anniversary Thursday of its national broadcast of War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells. Every listener believed we were under attack by Martians. After the ensuing nationwide panic, Dick Cheney never worked in radio again.
• Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama at a huge televised rally in Orlando Wednesday. He barely arrived in time. The director of the movie Deep Throat died in Miami the day before and Bill Clinton felt he should speak at the funeral.
• John Daly was found drunk and unconscious Wednesday outside a Hooters restaurant in North Carolina and was jailed. This is moving him ever closer to a new career. He’s just a talk with Billy Graham and 20 years away from ordering U.S. forces to invade Iran.
• The FBI said Tuesday that gun sales have skyrocketed in the South in the month leading up to the election. Here we go again. All those comparisons of Barack Obama to Abe Lincoln will turn out to be true if half the nation secedes when he gets elected.
• The Federal Election Commission predicted a record voter turnout for Tuesday’s presidential contest. It’s a critical moment for the country. Now is the time for bold, honest and unselfish leadership, but we have to choose between McCain and Obama.
• The L.A. Times refused to release videotape of Barack Obama praising Palestinian activist Rashid Khalidi five years ago. They were pals. Back then Rashid Khalidi called Obama by his nickname, Barry, and Obama called Khalidi by his nickname, the 20th Hijacker.
• Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy from a West Hollywood roof by a homeowner, but he cut it down Thursday. The protests were too much for him. He got a call from the Hemp Industries Association saying they don’t want rope associated with Sarah Palin.
• Sarah Palin hinted in an interview Wednesday she is positioning herself to run for president in four years. She’s nothing if not diligent. Before going to bed last night she set the John McCain campaign back one hour by giving another interview.
• Minnesota U.S. Senate candidate and comedian Al Franken caught hell for a Playboy article he wrote eight years ago about his porno sexual fantasies. It should be a selling point. He was showing the skills necessary to be a senator before he was elected one.
• ATF agents arrested two young skinhead Nazis in Tennessee Monday for planning to open fire on Barack Obama from a car while wearing tuxedos and top hats. What a picture. The first sign of a depression is that everybody thinks he is Fred Astaire.
• Al-Qaida leader Abu Yahya al Libi urged Americans Thursday to humiliate President Bush in Tuesday’s election. The group just suffered a major blow. They were developing complex credit market derivatives and they blew themselves up in a workplace accident.
• The White House said Tuesday it’s considering negotiating with lower levels of the Taliban to find peace in Afghanistan. It turns out there’s a moderate wing of the Mujahadeen. They believe in covering up their women but they’re not averse to Spandex.
• The White House forced U.S. banks to sell the federal government their preferred stock last week, and then the House Oversight Committee demanded to see how much money bank executives get paid. The government is taking over everything. Fidel Castro and his brother have been spraying each other with champagne ever since they got the word.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.