HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Sarah Palin saved a turkey at a slaughterhouse Friday. As she talked on camera about animal rights, a man behind her grabbed a turkey and cut its head off. What impresses Hollywood about Alaskans is how they always get the laugh on the first take.
• General Motors severed its endorsement deal with Tiger Woods Tuesday. They say it has nothing to do with their federal bailout request. It’s just that the company has enough of an image problem without having a spokesman who is in the shop for repairs.
• The Los Angeles Auto Show opened Saturday to crowds who are anxious to see the latest concept cars and hybrids and electrics. It’s a change of pace for L.A. Instead of homeless people asking passing cars for money, the cars are asking people for money.
• The Treasury Department rescued Citibank Sunday with an innovative plan. They shifted the bank’s trillion dollars in toxic assets into a bad bank. The idea is to set it loose like a garbage ship until someone claims it, hopefully Somali pirates.
• Oklahoma’s former governor David Walters bawled out the state after every county voted for McCain. There was a reason. The Sooners are vying with the Crimson Tide for the national championship and they aren’t voting for anybody with Bama in his name.
• San Diego’s former U.S. Congressman Duke Cunningham sought a presidential pardon Monday. He was caught with diamond jewelry, furs, gold candelabras and a Bentley in his driveway. San Diegans believe they have the constitutional right to a perfect day.
• Hillary Clinton accepted the Secretary of State job Friday and she’ll be formally appointed after Thanksgiving Day. She’ll provide marvelous continuity. If she can do to world peace what she did to health care reform, Dick Cheney’s work will be done.
• Somali pirates were reported Friday to have made $100 million in ransom money from hijacked ships last year. They pay no taxes and they demand huge ransoms from the oil companies. It’s really the best of the Republican and Democratic policies.
• Barack Obama named Eric Holder as Attorney General Friday with Hillary Clinton at State and Bill Richardson at Commerce. It’s amazing. The Democrats spent two years and $1 billion dollars fighting over who’ll head the third Clinton administration.
• Mitt Romney urged Saturday that automakers be allowed to go bankrupt. He wants them to shed their old union contracts and be more profitable. Republicans don’t like Darwin’s theory of creation but they do like his effectiveness as a shop steward.
• Wall Street regulator Tim Geithner was named Treasury Secretary Monday. In the last few years he was in charge of monitoring Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns and Citigroup and Wachovia. Only Hillary Clinton has more experience looking the other way.
• The Automobile Club reported Monday that gas prices fell below $2 per gallon. It provides much needed relief. After a long day of standing in line at the bank to take all your money out, you don’t want to have to walk home carrying it.
• Barack Obama decided to skip church on Sunday to shoot some hoops at a Chicago gym. He has good reason for staying fit. People are already putting up statues of him and he does not want to see a beer gut hanging over his belt for the next 50 years.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.