HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• President Bush was holding a surprise press conference in Baghdad Sunday when an Iraqi journalist stood up and threw two shoes at him. It’s inexcusable. If they had as much security in Baghdad as they have at an American airport, none of those guys would have had their shoes on.
• The Distilled Spirits Council of America canceled its Washington D.C. Christmas party Friday. It’s a public relations move. They represent the liquor industry and they don’t want congressmen drinking while they’re driving the economy into the ground.
• John Daly denied he was drunk in the Australian Open Friday when he smashed a fan’s camera. He says he’s treated his alcoholism with stem cells. The whole time President Bush told us he opposed stem cell research he never mentioned he was a donor.
• Zimbabwe’s president Robert Mugabe accused the U.S. and Britain of deliberately starting the country’s cholera epidemic. A few years ago he seized property from rich white farmers and gave it to his cronies. The best guess is, cholera’s caused by weeds.
• Wall Street hedge fund operator Bernie Madoff admitted to defrauding investors out of $50 billion Friday. He used money from new investors to pay returns to current investors. If Bernie Madoff was in a sitcom he’d play The Ponz.
• The White House scrambled to create an auto industry bailout Sunday. The clock was ticking. If the U.S. auto industry collapses under President Bush, Hank Aaron will come on the JumboTron and congratulate him for breaking Herbert Hoover’s record.
• President Bush worked with Senate Democrats to get a bailout for U.S. automakers Friday. He was bound to switch parties eventually. After eight years of walking to work he wasn’t using enough oil to maintain his membership in the Republican Party.
• The White House considered using bank rescue funds to bail out automakers Sunday. The bailout bill is in limbo. By the time the Senate gets finished amending the bill, each car will be powered by a hydroelectic dam under the hood named after Robert Byrd.
• Barack Obama named former New York Housing Commissioner Shaun Donovan as HUD Secretary Saturday. For years Shaun Donovan opposed expanding home ownership to the poor. Barack Obama may be the first president in history to be born in Kenya and buried at the Reagan Library.
• President Bush gave a commencement address at Texas A&m on Friday. He declared that invading Iraq was the right thing to do to keep America safe, but he only got light applause. If you can’t sell a war in Texas it’s time to get out of show business.
• Senator Arlen Specter appalled a crowd of fellow Pennsylvanians Thursday at the Commonwealth Club in New York by telling a string of old Polish jokes. He’s in real trouble. Nobody’s going to believe that Polish jokes are a side effect of chemotherapy.
• The White House refused to send the U.S. Navy to thwart Somali pirates operating off Africa Friday. The idea is to let them become too rich to remain terrorists. Republicans believe as an article of faith that money can turn swords into sand wedges.
• House of Saddam is HBO’s new mini-series about Saddam Hussein’s life from the time the CIA set him up in power until the time the Bush family brought him down. It’s so easy to get a bad label. King George III wouldn’t give Canada to the Puritans and he wouldn’t give Ohio to the Virginians and he’s been called a tyrant ever since.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.