HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Los Angeles residents woke up Tuesday to the sight of snow on the Santa Monica mountains. No one can remember L.A. ever being so cold. Carjackers held guns to the heads of their victims and still could only make them move over to the passenger seat.
• Iraqi reporter Muntazer al-Zaidi was jailed Sunday for throwing his shoes at President Bush, who ducked and avoided being hit in the head. It made people think he’s been cheating on his wife. You don’t develop reflexes like that without daily practice.
• George Clooney wrote to Screen Actors Guild members Tuesday urging actors to defy any union strike order. A lot of stars are on his side. Ever since Steven Spielberg talked everybody into investing with Bernard Madoff nobody can afford to stop working.
• Caroline Kennedy sought appointment to New York’s Senate seat Tuesday. There’s nothing wrong with government by bloodlines. Last year Britain banned hereditary seats in the House of Lords as undemocratic, but America left Britain long ago to go our own way.
• Queen Elizabeth cut back on palace expenses Tuesday, ordering royal staffers to turn out lights and re-use leftovers from state banquets. It’s miserable. Tourism is way down now that Buckingham Palace is being guarded by the Hamburger Helper Eaters.
• President Bush explained his bailout strategy Tuesday, saying he abandoned free market principles to save the free market system. He’s wiretapped Americans without warrants, gone to war without a declaration, ignored due process and nationalized the economy, citing emergency power. Saddam Hussein had a better case for overthrowing him.
• Wall Street rallied Tuesday when the Federal Reserve reduced interest rates to nothing. The commodities market also jumped. Oil rose to $44 a barrel on the Chicago Exchange and the price of a U.S. Senate seat soared to over a million two.
• Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich didn’t show up in the legislature Tuesday for the impeachment hearing against him for selling a Senate seat. It was easy to find him. He had to fly to Mogadishu to accept an honorary doctorate from Somali Pirate University.
• Jesse Jackson Jr. was revealed Tuesday to be a U.S. government informant helping the FBI in a sting operation designed to catch Governor Blagojevich demanding cash for favors. His dad’s not surprised. He knew his son was wearing a wire when he wrote Santa Claus a letter saying all he wants for Christmas is a tie with a hole in it.
• Barack Obama named New Jersey environmental regulator Lisa Jackson to head the Environmental Protection Agency. The president-elect declared he wants to move the country beyond our oil addiction. Now all we have to do is get Iowa farmers to grow methadone.
• Dick Cheney stressed the importance of energy independence in an ABC interview Tuesday. The vice president is very concerned about ending our addiction to oil. He has switched to a solar-powered shredder for the remaining month of the administration.
• Washington D.C. officials said Tuesday that 1 million Inaugural weekend visitors will cause a cell phone overload. Imagine this crowd of workaholics going three days without phone service. It’ll be the longest they have been celibate since junior high.
• Mexico’s government on Monday opened a customer service call center for illegal aliens in Arizona to call to complain about their treatment in America. It’s not going well. When a Mexican migrant is stranded at an Arizona truck stop the last thing he needs is a guy in India telling him to turn the computer off, then on again.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.