HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The Dallas Cowboys played their last game in Texas Stadium Saturday after four decades. What a cast of massive egos. Last week when the Iraqi journalist threw two shoes at President Bush, Terrell Owens complained that he was wide open on both plays.
• Entourage star Jeremy Piven walked off his Broadway play Wednesday, infuriating producers. He said he has high levels of mercury in his body from eating too much sushi. He’s decided to come back to L.A. for an emergency stay at the Betty Fish Center.
• Caroline Kennedy had lunch with Al Sharpton at a soul food restaurant in Harlem Thursday. They share a bond. Al Sharpton runs an outfit called the National Action Network, and John F. Kennedy had a little black book called the National Action Network.
• Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff was placed under house arrest Thursday. His crimes left a lot of people embarrassed. We have cameras at street corners, cameras at the banks, cameras at the ATMs and nobody saw a guy stealing $50 billion.
• Sarah Palin’s future in-law Sherry Johnston was arrested on Friday, reportedly for selling crystal meth. Her son’s promised to marry Sarah’s nine-month pregnant daughter. It is good to know that in a state where all the ice is melting you can always make more.
• Pastor Ted Haggard will talk on HBO about getting fired by his church after he got caught smoking crystal meth with a male hooker. His congregation was livid. They were paying him enough to be doing cocaine and they want to know where the money went.
• Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich shrugged off corruption charges Saturday and issued 22 Christmas pardons to criminals in the state prison. He’s always thinking. If he can issue enough of these, he won’t have to share a cell with anybody.
• The U.S. and Britain sent ships to the Gulf of Aden to battle the Somali pirates Friday. It’s about time. If Somalis wonder who controls the seas and how long they have controlled the seas, they only have to ask themselves why dolphins understand English.
• Barack Obama was urged by gays to disinvite Pastor Rick Warren from praying at his Inaugural. He’s pastor of a huge Orange County evangelical church. He doesn’t have to be opposed to same-sex marriage, but he doesn’t want to sell Amway door-to-door.
• Pastor Rick Warren told NBC’s Dateline he wants to have sex with every beautiful woman he meets but he controls himself. That’s a confession. An interviewer with a better ear would have followed up by asking him to list his favorite Broadway musicals.
• President Bush loaned Chrysler and General Motors $17 billion dollars of bailout money Friday to carry them through March. He doesn’t want his presidency to end with the fall of the American auto industry. Some guys have no ear for poetry.
• The White House angered environmentalists Tuesday by offering oil leases for sale in Utah. Environmentalists are very cranky lately. They’ve been trying for decades to halt all real estate development in America and Wall Street did it in five minutes.
• U.S. Congressman William Jefferson will be replaced by a Republican next month after he was arrested for having $90,000 in cash in his freezer. Today he looks like the smartest money manager in America. Just think of all the Jewish charities that would still be solvent today if they’d invested with William Jefferson.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.