BEVERLY HILLS–Merry Christmas, everybody, and God bless America.
• The Detroit Lions take the field today with the chance to become the first NFL team in history to lose all sixteen of their games. Talk about overpaid. The only people in Detroit who had a lousier year and made more money were the auto executives.
• Federal Express blamed the economy Tuesday when they canceled their Super Bowl ads. It’s not that bad. It’s true that a lot of people are going barefoot in America but at least they’ve enjoyed the satisfaction of throwing something at President Bush.
• Mexico beauty queen Laura Zuniga was arrested for gun smuggling Monday. There was a translation problem. When Mexican police said she was packing a pair of 38s, Americans didn’t know if she was armed or had won the bathing suit competition.
• New York Giants suspended star Plaxico Burress’ house was raided Monday by cops who seized the pants he wore when he accidentally shot himself. There’s a logical explanation for the raid. The cops have plans to start a chain of restaurants called Planet Idiot and these pants will be the first item of memorabilia on the wall.
• Caroline Kennedy was slammed by New York Democrats Wednesday who whisper she’s a royalist. She’s trying to get more connected to the concerns of ordinary people. After her recent listening tour she promised to allow male suffrage throughout Camelot.
• Barack Obama arranged Monday to be sworn into office at the Inaugural with Abe Lincoln’s Bible. It has parables of Jesus urging slaves to be productive. Barack Obama promised he’ll put Americans back to work but he didn’t say we’d get paid for it.
• Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff was put under house arrest Friday until his trial. He’ll soon be sent to prison and get his room and meals at state expense. Many of his investors have called the judge and offered to serve the sentence for him.
• Bill Clinton took questions at an Apollo Theater event in Harlem on Sunday. He said he’s willing to do anything to help his wife become Secretary of State. The padlock on his zipper has been tough on his bladder but it gives his face great color.
• Hillary Clinton declared in Chicago last week that the era of cowboy diplomacy is over in U.S. foreign affairs. North Korea can’t wait until she’s in charge of enforcing nuclear treaties. There’s already a statue of her in Little Rock looking the other way.
• Dick Cheney was exposed Thursday as responsible for the leak of Valerie Plame’s CIA identity. It was revenge against her husband, who blew the whistle on the false pretext for war in Iraq. It would be nice if we could have one administration that didn’t end with the shredder overheating.
• Dick Cheney defended the Iraq war policy in an interview Tuesday but hinted we didn’t go far enough. His friends say he wanted to invade Iran. When his attorney forced him to give up hunting, the need to shoot something migrated to foreign policy.
• Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was allowed by British television to give a Christmas address. He was uncharacteristically humble. Thanks to the collapse of oil prices even Vladimir Putin’s gone back to wearing halter tops in his photo shoots.
• Queen Elizabeth gave her Christmas Day broadcast to the world from Buckingham Palace. She has skillfully ducked the recent financial catastrophes. Whenever the U.S. Treasury Secretary refers to England as the Mother Country, she demands a DNA test.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.