Dec. 29, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Valkyrie opened Friday about a German war hero who tried to kill Hitler. Close calls were the week’s theme. Hitler survived a suitcase bomb, Nixon survived an interview with Frost, and George W. Bush survived two attempts on his life by Florsheim.

• The New York Times reports that alcohol was served at Texas recruiting parties for high school football star Jamarkus McFarland. So what? You can’t ban alcohol in college football recruiting or ban wine at Holy Communion, it’s an issue of religious freedom.

• St. John the Divine Cathedral in Brooklyn reopened on Christmas Day, eight years after the historic Episcopal Church landmark burned down. The sanctuary is two football fields long. No church gives the bride and groom longer to think things over.

• J.C. Penney called and woke up shoppers in the middle of the night Friday to get them to come to their Day-After-Christmas Sale. It was a bad idea. When Hillary Clinton’s telephone rang at three in the morning she ordered the invasion of Pakistan.

• India was accused by Pakistan of threatening an invasion Friday, causing world concern about a nuclear war on the subcontinent. It looks bad. Everyone who got a new computer for Christmas has just seven days to get through to technical support.

• White House physician Richard Tubb examined President Bush for a sore shoulder Monday. He started out years ago as Bill Clinton’s White House doctor. He learned a president’s success or failure often depends on the timely icing down of body parts.

• The Washington Post reports the CIA has begun giving Viagra to Afghan warlords in exchange for information about the Taliban. It’s caused a major uproar in Washington. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is protesting the policy as cruel to sheep.

• General Motors Acceptance Corporation got approval Friday to become a bank holding company, giving GMAC access to bailout money. The bank may already be in financial trouble. The new calendar that they send to all their customers just goes until February.

• The National Retail Federation asked for bailout money Friday like the banks and stockbrokers and automakers and insurers got. Yesterday somebody drew a plus sign on side of the Treasury Building. Hobos have always marked houses that will feed anybody.

• Barack Obama began a debate on sports talk radio by calling for college football playoffs to replace the bowl system. Let’s hope it stops there. For eight years we have had a president who views the world as one giant elimination tournament.

• Dick Cheney gave an interview Friday defending the wars in the Middle East. He’s nothing if not consistent. A day after the Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at President Bush in Baghdad, Dick Cheney acccused Iran of trying to develop a nuclear hiking boot.

• The Sarah Palin 2009 wall calendar was reported to be the top-selling office supply item on Amazon this year. She wields a shotgun in the photos. Tina Fey just got approved for a loan to buy a Mideast country because she’s going to have steady work for the rest of her life.

• Queen Elizabeth gave her annual Christmas Day address Thursday. This speech is the only time all year that Her Majesty gets to voice her opinion without government approval. Ever since Laura Bush performed mother-in-law jokes at the White House Correspondents Dinner there’s been an international crackdown on women at microphones.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at