HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Barack Obama was voted the Most Admired Man in America Friday and Hillary Clinton was named Most Admired Woman, however Sarah Palin finished right behind them. It sums up the nation’s current mood. If hope and forgiveness don’t work, get the gun.
• New England Patriots star Tom Brady proposed to supermodel Gisele Bundchen on Friday. There’s certainly nothing shallow about this relationship. The prenuptial agreement specifies the marriage is null and void if either one of them gains a pound.
• Philadelphians were startled by gunshots in a movie theater on Christmas Day. One man shot and wounded another man for talking during the movie. You knew that when Tom Cruise decided to portray a Nazi war hero, it wasn’t going to draw the Batman audience.
• Barack Obama’s vacation home lost power from lightning strikes in Hawaii late Friday. It tested his coolness during an emergency. Everyone was hoping the new president could handle three hours without SportsCenter better than the last one did.
• Cocaine Cowboys will be made into an HBO series based on the hit documentary about the drug and disco era, with actors playing the drug kings. However, the clock is ticking on producers. Filming has to be completed before Texas Stadium is imploded.
• Sarah Palin’s nine-month pregnant daughter’s future mother-in-law was arrested in Alaska for selling OxyContin out of her house. Her boy will marry the daughter in mid-January. The wedding will take place at his family home, wherever it’s parked.
• The New York Bar Association reported Friday that Wall Street woes are causing law firms to go out of business. A lot of people are switching careers. Due to the economic downturn Santa Claus no longer brings gifts to houses, he’s a contract killer.
• Wall Street set up a hotline for brokers and investors to phone for counseling if they feel overwhelmed by recent losses. Hedge fund managers say it’s worse than divorce. They’re worth half of what they used to be worth, and they are still married.
• President Bush interceded when India and Pakistan threatened war Saturday. He’s only too glad to help. Despite Iraq, the financial crisis, the real estate crash, the oil slide and the fall of the U.S. auto industry, he’s not about to rest on his laurels.
• India officials said Saturday Pakistan can lessen tensions by clamping down on terrorism. It’s against their grain. At the World Cricket Cup the Pakistan team was beaten by three wickets and they still wouldn’t tell Dick Cheney where Osama bin Laden is hiding.
• Governor Rod Blagojevich threatened to subpoena nationally prominent Democrats if he’s impeached for trying to sell a Senate seat. He was caught on tape fixing the price. The state license plate should advertise Illinois as the Land of Franklins.
• NASA announced plans Thursday to begin sending unmanned spacecraft to re-supply the International Space Station next year. There’s no reason to risk lives when it’s not necessary. They can’t afford to lose any more astronauts to the Lover’s Triangle.
• John Lennon appealed for donations in a commercial for One Laptop Per Child on Friday, 28 years after he was killed. The producers used digital technology to duplicate the Beatle’s exact image and voice. In the next commercial he warns all the children that if they use the laptops to download his songs he will haunt them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.