Jan. 4, 2009

BEVERLY HILLS – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Marley and Me topped the box office with its story about a couple and their terribly behaved dog. What a moneymaking formula. Jerry Jones is now selling tickets to his new football stadium by chasing the Dallas Cowboys around town with a rolled-up newspaper.

• The Dallas Cowboys collapsed in an embarrassing loss to Philadelphia on Sunday, prompting loud calls for Wade Phillips to be fired as head coach. It doesn’t look good. Even Caroline Kennedy doesn’t think Wade Phillips is qualified for the job.

• Caroline Kennedy ran into opposition to her Senate bid from New York Democrats Sunday. They say she’s uninspiring, inarticulate and unfamiliar with issues. The only thing that’s saving her political career is that Tina Fey looks nothing like her.

• Barack Obama was chastised by evangelicals when he skipped church on Christmas Day. He was unable to reply. He was at a Honolulu cathedral posing for a ceiling all day and having to listen to the artist shouting at him to keep his finger pointed.

• The Weather Channel said high winds knocked out power in Detroit Tuesday. They lost electricity, they’re losing the auto industry and they lost every NFL game this season. The entire city ought to be placed under house arrest with Bernie Madoff.

• Iran’s Ayatollah Khameni promised a martyr’s entrance to heaven for any Muslim killed fighting Israel in Gaza. He said martyrs are greeted by 72 virgins in heaven. That’s what you have to do to recruit an army when the GI Bill isn’t enough.

• Chicago traffic gridlocked Friday as streets and expressways became caked with three layers of ice and snow. It brought state government to a standstill. The guy delivering subpoenas to the governor’s office couldn’t get his car out of the garage.

• Kraft Foods released its quarterly report Tuesday showing a record $1.5 billion profit in the fourth quarter alone this past year. It happened just like clockwork. By the last year of any Bush administration, everyone’s eating macaroni.

• University of Chicago’s official world timekeepers added a second to the last day of the year Wednesday to match the earth’s slowing spin on its axis. President Bush took credit for it. He wanted to give everyone a little more time in their homes.

• Laura Bush denied on Fox News Sunday that her husband’s the worst president in American history. It’s a sensitive subject. Last month when President Bush opened the National History Museum, he refused to leave the building until it vindicated him.

• The White House congratulated Mexico Monday for busting a major drug smuggling ring and freeing up cross-border business. The country is a vital trading partner. In addition to oil, silver and tequila, Mexico is the number-one producer of Americans.

• Oprah Winfrey was embarrassed Monday after an author’s memoir about a romance between a Jewish man in a concentration camp and a German woman outside the fence turned out to be a hoax. She’s pretty gullible. Oprah Winfrey has gained 100 pounds since the Oprah Book Club selected the McDonald’s Diet as its book of the month.

• Barack Obama told CBS’s 60 Minutes that he fully expects to be criticized by the media when things go wrong during his presidency. No administration was ever perfect. It didn’t take long for comedians to figure out that President Bush had no control over his generals and that President Clinton had no control over his privates.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.