HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Israel and Gaza broke out in war Monday prompting violent Arab street protests against Israel. What’s lacking is leadership. Right now Yasser Arafat is in hell reconciling himself to the fact that he’ll have to share the place with Bernie Madoff.
• Times Square had a million people watch the giant ball come down on New Year’s Eve in the last 10 seconds of the year. It was well rehearsed. Everyone in New York’s been counting down all year and that’s just reading their brokerage statements.
• Chrysler began running television commercials Tuesday which thanked American taxpayers for the billions in bailout money. Don’t worry. Chrysler didn’t spend any of your tax money on the TV ad campaign, they just ran the old one starring Lee Iacocca.
• Barack Obama hid on a golf course Tuesday and avoided questions about support for Israel in the Gaza war. He’s being advised by Hillary. She’s a loyal friend of Israel, despite her agreement in principle with the Arab custom of stoning adulterers.
• Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich appointed a black lobbyist Tuesday to the U.S. Senate. If Democrats vote to exclude him from the Senate he will accuse them of being all-white. The Senate could lose its liquor license for being a segregated club.
• Major League Baseball Network debuted Thursday by airing NBC’s broadcast of Don Larsen’s World Series perfect game 52 years ago. They included the original TV commercials, which was a great idea. Encouraging smoking could save Social Security.
• Barack Obama opposed Governor Blagojevich’s choice of senator Tuesday despite pleas from the Black Caucus. He’s appointed a Tory cabinet, he’s kept a GOP Defense Secretary, and now he’s refusing demands to integrate the Senate. His daughters just asked him if they’re going to need a National Guard escort to go to grade school.
• The British Embassy in Tehran was seized Monday by angry Iranian students who raised the Palestinian flag on the roof. This is just how the Carter presidency ended. We simply have to make up our minds, is it the 30s or is it the 70s?
• Marley and Me starring Owen Wilson is a hit dog movie which leaves kids crying at the end. It’s a bad year for kids. Parents are dragging them to a movie where the dog dies just to take their minds off the fact that they have lost their college fund.
• Sarah Palin’s teenaged daughter Bristol Palin gave birth to a healthy baby boy out of wedlock in Alaska Monday. They decided to named him Tripp. You’d think if they wanted to name the baby after an accident, they would have named him Train Wreck.
• President Bush revealed Monday he has begun thinking about what he is going to say in his farewell speech. Absolutely nothing’s gone right in the country in the last eight years. It leaves no doubt that the Dallas Cowboys really are America’s Team.
• Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo collapsed in the shower clutching his ribs after Sunday’s embarrassing loss. It’s an act. He thinks they won’t trade him to the Detroit Lions for their number-one draft pick if doctors say he’s too sick to fly.
• Tom Cruise received rave reviews in Germany Thursday for his portrayal of Nazi war hero Claus von Stauffenberg, who tried to kill Hitler. The German critics were all prepared to hate his performance until he showed up onscreen. He had them at Heil.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.