Jan. 6, 2009

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Caroline Kennedy gave an interview to the New York Times Friday which unmasked her as inarticulate and unknowledgable. She has absolutely no credentials to be a U.S. senator. Bill Clinton just offered to cheat on her if that will help her chances.

• Senator Hillary Clinton pushed the countdown button to drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve. That’s how she ran for president. Last year she dropped the ball so many times the NFL just named her an honorary member of the Detroit Lions.

• Barack Obama’s Hawaii vacation compound was ringed Monday by Palestinians who are angry about his support for Israel. You can imagine their disappointment. Not only is he the first black president, he’s the first guy named Hussein to back Israel.

• Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich named Chicago lobbyist Roland Burris to the U.S. Senate Tuesday. There was outrage. Jesse Jackson Jr. called on eBay to change its rules so people can’t be outbid while they are speaking on the floor of the House.

• The Oklahoma Sooners play the Florida Gators for the national title in Miami’s Orange Bowl. If you coach college football in the South or Southwest and you get a lifetime contract, it means that if you lose they can’t fire you. They just kill you.

• The N.Y. Post reported Tuesday that Caroline Kennedy’s net worth is $400 hundred million. It’s from her grandfather Joe Kennedy’s trust fund. Lucky for her he was anti-Semitic and specified in his will that it can never be invested with Bernie Madoff.

• Bristol Palin sold the first baby pictures of her child to People magazine for $300,000 on Tuesday. Governor Sarah Palin was ecstatic. She told reporters that she was thrilled her daughter has enough for make-up and wardrobe.

• Former U.S. Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney was rammed by the Israeli Navy Tuesday as she rode inside a supply boat to Gaza for the Free Gaza group. The Palestinians inherited her help. Al-Qaeda laid her off because they said they weren’t that angry at the Americans.

• Madonna was named the top ticket-selling concert act in the world on Wednesday as she and director Guy Ritchie finalized their divorce. He bought her a gorgeous diamond necklace on her birthday and she hasn’t talked to him since. That was the deal.

• The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Tuesday that since the financial collapse last fall there has been a huge rise in the number of bank robberies. There’s nothing anyone can do. Under their contracts they’re entitled to their bonuses.

• Houston’s Memorial Hospital removed Roger Clemens’ name from the Roger Clemens Sports Medicine Institute Monday. They can’t ignore the steroids charge. To make it up to him, the hospital just re-named its Underage Country Singers Institute after him.

• New York Jets owner Woody Johnson said Thursday he wants Brett Favre back next year. The quarterback wept at his press conference Sunday, saying he doesn’t know if he will be back. The actors aren’t even on strike yet and already we are in reruns.

• Bernie Madoff’s security was doubled around his Park Avenue apartment Thursday where he’s under house arrest. They’re looking everywhere to find where he hid all the money. It’s the first colonoscopy ever performed by a certified public accountant.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.