Jan. 9, 2009

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• The Dallas Cowboys said Monday Oklahoma will play Brigham Young in the Cowboys’ brand new stadium in September. They found a cheap way to demolish and level their old facility. They are going to hire President Bush to bring democracy to the stadium.

• President Bush hosted a lunch for Barack Obama at the White House Wednesday that included former presidents Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton. It was really something to see the five of them together. If they were cards, you would fold.

• The Adult Entertainment Expo convention in Las Vegas demanded a federal bailout on Wednesday due to low sales of porno DVDs. It’s not like the automakers at all. Anyone in this industry claiming to be the Big Three would be laughed out of the casting office.

• Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise was pulled in some cities Tuesday due to its poor box office showing. The movie never had a chance. The producers knew it wasn’t going to be a hit on opening weekend when they saw customers in the lobby buying popcorn to go.

• NBC hired Matt Millen to call the Super Bowl after the Detroit Lions fired him as general manager. He ruined the franchise with eight years of losses. Trusting Matt Millen to analyze football is like naming Bernie Madoff to be Treasury Secretary.

• The White House announced that President Bush’s pet cat India died Sunday. It’s terrible timing. President Bush always said if anything ever happens to India he will hold Pakistan responsible, and he’s still Commander in Chief for one more week.

• Laura Bush unveiled the new White House china on Wednesday. She told reporters she bought the dinnerware because of breakage. This explains why President Bush was able to dodge those two shoe in Baghdad so effortlessly, years and years of practice.

• Caroline Kennedy was reported Monday to have the inside track for the New York U.S. Senate seat. She no longer sounds inarticulate on television. She’s doing a lot better ever since she brought in Julie Andrews to dub her voice during interviews.

• Barack Obama hinted Tuesday he may tinker with Social Security to reduce costs. He musn’t touch the safety net for his own sake. Any Republican who makes less than $500,000 per year automatically qualifies for golf ball stamps.

• Barack Obama informed CNN medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta Monday that he’s on his list to be named the Surgeon General. Ten years ago he was a medical advisor to first lady Hillary Clinton. Every year before she went on vacation with her husband she wanted to be briefed on how to tell what was a sore and what was just a mosquito bite.

• Hillary Clinton’s hearings to become Secretary of State begin next week in the Senate. She’ll have no problem being objective in the wars between the Palestinians and Israel or India and Pakistan. She treats all donors to her husband’s library equally.

• Barack Obama’s presidential limo was reported Tuesday to be an armored Cadillac hybrid made in Detroit. It’s a new first. History will record that Barack Obama is the first black man to ride in an armored Cadillac limousine without his own record label.

• Illinois U.S. Senate appointee Roland Burris met with Senator Harry Reid Tuesday as the Congressional Black Caucus demanded he be admitted. The Majority Leader backpedaled slowly from his position that Roland Burris cannot be seated in the U.S. Senate. As long as the Senate has a lunch counter they can’t deny service to anybody.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.