Jan. 11, 2009

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Spider Man is helped by Barack Obama in a Marvel Comics issue this month. It’s nothing new. Forty-six years ago Action Comics had President Kennedy help protect Clark Kent’s identity in return for teaching him how to see through women’s clothes.

• New York Giants playoff tickets were sold off at record low prices Friday. It’s really no surprise. After your cable’s been cut off, your flat-screen repossessed and the marshals have locked you out of the house, you need a place to watch the game.

• Sarah Palin slammed Tina Fey for impersonating her on Saturday Night Live last fall. It’s no picnic for the comic either. Every time Tina Fey goes into the supermarket, people ask why her daughter’s still living in sin with that hockey player.

• The House of Representatives voted on Tuesday to end term limits for committee chairmanships. It reversed a reform measure. Fourteen years ago the GOP majority voted to limit every committee chairman to two terms, one in office and one in prison.

• Larry Flynt asked for a federal bailout of the sex industry Tuesday. He claims sex toys and pornos are gathering dust on shelves. No one buys them because they are getting all the sex they need from what’s going on in their brokerage statements.

• Arab television network Al-Oxen accidentally aired a porno movie Tuesday which station engineers were watching over an international feed. It was a shocking sight for modest Muslim viewers. They have never seen Californians campaigning for governor.

• Joe the Plumber was hired Tuesday to cover the Israeli-Hamas war as a reporter in Gaza. He will be safe there. The two most revered figures in the Arab world are the Prophet Mohammed and anybody who can restore running water after an air raid.

• The U.S. Navy sailed into the Gulf of Aden off the coast of East Africa Thursday to confront the Somali pirates. This will allow Barack Obama to move swiftly. As a good Democrat he has an obligation to nip this Black Republican movement in the bud.

• The White House staff made preparations Thursday for Barack Obama and his wife and little girls to move into the residence. How amazing. It’ll be the first time Americans have ever watched a black family grow up on television without a laugh track.

• Illinois Senate appointee Roland Burris credited his Senate appointment to Divine Providence. He always knew he would do great things. He’s already built a mausoleum for himself in Chicago engraved with all the offices he held and how much he paid for them.

• George H.W. Bush publicly urged his son Jeb Bush to run for president on Fox News Sunday last weekend. It makes sense. The elder Bush brought down the Soviet Union, the younger Bush destroyed the Middle East, and that still leaves South America.

• Senator Larry Craig dropped his appeal of his arrest in a Minneapolis airport men’s room last year for soliciting gay sex in the next stall. As a result of the publicity, U.S. Senators don’t even go in airport men’s rooms any more. They go in the plants.

• Barack Obama introduced Tim Kaine as the new Democratic Party Chairman Thursday without inviting outgoing chairman Howard Dean to the event. Under Howard Dean’s chairmanship the party took control of the House, took control of the U.S. Senate and took control of the White House. For crying out loud, he is practically a fascist.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.