Jan. 12, 2009

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• The Oklahoma Sooners lost the BCS national title game to the Florida Gators on Thursday at the Orange Bowl in Miami Gardens. The loss was avoidable. The Sooners forgot the most important lesson of the Revolutionary War, never wear red in the woods.

• The Oklahoma Sooners lost the BCS national title game to the Florida Gators on Thursday at the Orange Bowl in Miami Gardens. The loss was avoidable. The Sooners forgot the most important lesson of the Revolutionary War, never wear red in the woods.

• Southern California was hit by a medium-sized earthquake on Thursday which was felt from the Arizona border all the way to the Pacific Coast. Californians ran to their television sets to see if there was any damage. Fewer houses mean higher prices.

• Michael Jordan launched his new Nike Air Jordan sneaker featuring satin pleats and polishable dress shoe leather. He designed them with a purpose. Barack Obama may have a new armored limo but he’ll never be the flashiest basketball player in America.

• The White House announced Friday the U.S. jobless rate reached its highest point since President Bush’s father left office sixteen years ago. And we still have Jeb to worry about. Americans now understand why the Russians shot the Czar’s children.

• Twenty-Four premiered on Fox Sunday for another season of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. Viewers may be disappointed. For eight years he’s done everything Dick Cheney’s done, and that means from now on all he’s going to do is fish and give speeches.

• Somali pirates collected a huge ransom from Saudi Arabia Friday for the tanker they seized. It’s about time. It may take a month for that money to get to the cocaine dealers and into their Citibank accounts so it can be used to make home loans.

• Congressman Joe Barton offered a bill to replace the BCS with a playoff system Friday. Congress has no authority over college football. Just because the government is taking over the banks and the auto industry doesn’t mean the American people will allow them to meddle into something that matters.

• Illinois lawmakers said Friday they are using the Clinton impeachment trial as their model in their impeachment of Governor Rod Blagojevich. The cases are not similar in any way. The Illinois governor was trying to use the power of his office to get a job for his wife, while Clinton was trying to get a job from Monica Lewinsky.

• Barack Obama vowed to quit smoking last week as security officials told him he won’t be allowed to use his BlackBerry. He will go crazy having nothing to do with his hands. He might have to take up knitting just to keep from wrecking his marriage.

• Barack Obama startled his own party Monday by revealing he will offer huge tax cuts to businesses and individuals. His life story is such an inspiration. Where else but in America could a poor black Democrat grow up to be a rich white Republican.

• Sarah Palin complained about the harsh media scrutiny the TV networks gave her last fall. It’s obvious why. Sarah Palin is bubbly and beautiful and shallow, and the news anchors destroyed her they way they’d destroy anyone who might take their jobs.

• Fox News analyst Karl Rove claimed Thursday that he and President Bush have an annual contest over who reads the most books. Yeah, right. This is a president who once refused to join the Book of the Month Club because it doesn’t have a golf course.

• Dick Cheney told reporters Friday that he’s planning to write a book about his eight years in office. He’s spent the last five years listening to everybody’s phone calls and reading everybody’s e-mails and now he’s writing a book. If you don’t want to be in it, make your check payable to the Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Foundation.

• Southern California was hit by a medium-sized earthquake on Thursday which was felt from the Arizona border all the way to the Pacific Coast. Californians ran to their television sets to see if there was any damage. Fewer houses mean higher prices.

• Michael Jordan launched his new Nike Air Jordan sneaker featuring satin pleats and polishable dress shoe leather. He designed them with a purpose. Barack Obama may have a new armored limo but he’ll never be the flashiest basketball player in America.

• The White House announced Friday the U.S. jobless rate reached its highest point since President Bush’s father left office sixteen years ago. And we still have Jeb to worry about. Americans now understand why the Russians shot the Czar’s children.

• Twenty-Four premiered on Fox Sunday for another season of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. Viewers may be disappointed. For eight years he’s done everything Dick Cheney’s done, and that means from now on all he’s going to do is fish and give speeches.

• Somali pirates collected a huge ransom from Saudi Arabia Friday for the tanker they seized. It’s about time. It may take a month for that money to get to the cocaine dealers and into their Citibank accounts so it can be used to make home loans.

• Congressman Joe Barton offered a bill to replace the BCS with a playoff system Friday. Congress has no authority over college football. Just because the government is taking over the banks and the auto industry doesn’t mean the American people will allow them to meddle into something that matters.

• Illinois lawmakers said Friday they are using the Clinton impeachment trial as their model in their impeachment of Governor Rod Blagojevich. The cases are not similar in any way. The Illinois governor was trying to use the power of his office to get a job for his wife, while Clinton was trying to get a job from Monica Lewinsky.

• Barack Obama vowed to quit smoking last week as security officials told him he won’t be allowed to use his BlackBerry. He will go crazy having nothing to do with his hands. He might have to take up knitting just to keep from wrecking his marriage.

• Barack Obama startled his own party Monday by revealing he will offer huge tax cuts to businesses and individuals. His life story is such an inspiration. Where else but in America could a poor black Democrat grow up to be a rich white Republican.

• Sarah Palin complained about the harsh media scrutiny the TV networks gave her last fall. It’s obvious why. Sarah Palin is bubbly and beautiful and shallow, and the news anchors destroyed her they way they’d destroy anyone who might take their jobs.

• Fox News analyst Karl Rove claimed Thursday that he and President Bush have an annual contest over who reads the most books. Yeah, right. This is a president who once refused to join the Book of the Month Club because it doesn’t have a golf course.

• Dick Cheney told reporters Friday that he’s planning to write a book about his eight years in office. He’s spent the last five years listening to everybody’s phone calls and reading everybody’s e-mails and now he’s writing a book. If you don’t want to be in it, make your check payable to the Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Foundation.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.