HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Hillary Clinton sailed through Senate confirmation hearings Tuesday. She didn’t blink when asked how she will handle the world’s hot spots. You can’t be married to Old Faithful for 33 years and not know something about geothermal energy.
• President Bush will give his farewell speech to the nation tonight in front of another military crowd. It doesn’t help him. He’s not going to know if his dinner speech is really funny if he keeps trying it out on an audience he can court-martial.
• President Bush draped the Medal of Freedom on Britain’s former prime minister Tony Blair and Australia’s former prime minister John Howard Tuesday. It’s no surprise. Every leader that President Bush overthrows winds up with something around his neck.
• The U.S. Navy commissioned the aircraft carrier George H.W. Bush on Saturday. It’s so huge it can single-handedly bottle up the Persian Gulf and drive up oil prices. They would have named it after a member of the Bush family no matter who was president.
• Barack Obama was interviewed by ABC News Sunday where he stated again he wants a college football playoff system, and that he will fight to keep his BlackBerry. So that was how he raised all that money for his presidential campaign. He’s a bookie.
• Roger Clemens was investigated by a grand jury Monday over steroid use. It builds muscle but it gives men breasts. Last year Roger Clemens took off his shirt in the Dallas Cowboys locker room, causing Pacman Jones to make it rain and shoot the bouncer.
• Rickey Henderson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame Monday after setting the career record for most stolen bases. He got rich the hard way. The difference between baseball and Wall Street is if you get caught stealing in baseball, you’re out.
• National Football League advertisers were miserable on Sunday after four small-market teams made it into the NFL championship games. The ratings will be terrible. The Super Bowl could end up being sponsored this year by the Snuggie and the Sham Wow.
• Treasury Secretary nominee Tim Geithner was revealed Tuesday to have underpaid his taxes and hired an illegal immigrant as a maid. Everyone was glad to hear he’s one of us. As Treasury Secretary he will be assigned to hand out $350 billion in total secret, so paying his bills won’t be a problem any more.
• Barack Obama will have Lincoln’s favorite foods served at the Inaugural luncheon Tuesday and he’ll take the oath on Lincoln’s Bible. He must be careful. The more he compares himself to Abe Lincoln the more the Secret Service will treat actors like terrorists.
• Israeli troops and Israeli tanks rolled into the suburbs of Gaza for the first time Tuesday, leveling houses and destroying entire neighborhoods. Wall Street trembled. It showed no matter how bad the housing market is, it can always get worse.
• Dick Cheney said Tuesday that Barack Obama must not close down Guantanamo prison when he takes office. He feels strongly about this. When you’re fighting for freedom and democracy it’s essential to have a prison that operates outside international law.
• Washington D.C. was placed under a state of emergency Monday due to the expected millions of Democrats coming to the nation’s capital for the Inaugural Tuesday. The bars will be open all night and there aren’t enough porta-potties. They’ll have no place to go, because after midnight there won’t be a Bush left in Washington.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.