HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• President Bush’s poll numbers improved in his last week in office Friday. He’s made us much safer. The year he took office airliners were flying into New York skyscrapers, and thanks to his efforts they are now landing safely on the Hudson River.
• Captain Sully Sullenberger landed his stricken U.S. Airways liner on the Hudson Thursday, saving everyone from dying in a deadly crash. It was a miracle. It shows that if enough people pray at the same time, the right Treasury Secretary will show up.
• The New York Post said Friday that Sully Sullenberger is a top-flight airline safety instructor. Thank goodness it happened in New York. If he had landed that airliner in the Los Angeles River it would have killed at least a dozen skateboarders.
• The U.S. Airways jet that landed safely on the Hudson River Thursday hit a flock of geese on takeoff which nest in the wetlands near the runway. There’s no public support for bulldozing the wetlands. Nobody wants to disturb a sacred union burial ground.
• Canadian geese flew into the jet turbines of the U.S. Airways flight in New York Thursday, causing the engines to choke. There was no motive for the birds to raid the plane. The airline stopped serving peanuts two years ago, but old habits die hard.
• The Weather Channel reported record low temperatures across the Midwest Friday, setting new records in Chicago. The wind chill index was 50 degrees below zero at O’Hare Airport. Now everyone wants to run for president just to get out of Chicago.
• CNBC business news reports that Barack Obama sports merchandise and collectibles sales hit $200 million dollars Friday. Everything with his face on it is selling. General Motors just can’t decide whether to put it on the doors or the hood.
• Tiger Woods spoke at the Lincoln Memorial Inaugural Show Sunday. It had Stevie Wonder, Beyonce, Denzel Washington, Martin Luther King III and Garth Brooks. The audience enjoyed a song by Stevie Wonder, a dance by Beyonce, a reading by Denzel Washington, and a sermon by Martin Luther King III followed by an apology by Garth Brooks.
• Madame Toussaud’s Wax Museum unveiled its likeness of Barack Obama Friday. The wax figure can’t capture his rich speaking voice. Barack Obama sounds so much like the voice of God that he is not allowed on the courthouse lawn in 28 states.
• Will Farrell plays President Bush in a new Broadway show called You’re Welcome America: A Final Night with George W. Bush. The ridicule is scathing. Democrats are afraid it’s what’s in store for Caroline Kennedy if she doesn’t stick to charity work.
• Cindy McCain broke off talks Thursday to compete on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars after her husband John strenuously objected. She completely forgot who she is for a moment. The appropriate role for the spouse of a U.S. Senator is registered lobbyist.
• The Treasury Department slapped economic sanctions Friday on Osama bin Laden’s son Saad bin Laden, who’s believed to be operating in Pakistan. He’s not very well known yet. If the defense industry is going to keep this war going for 100 years, we need to start the publicity campaign for the next generation of evildoers.
• White House staffers finish moving out of their offices today while the Living Quarters are being emptied of the First Family’s clothing and furniture. Today is the last day of the Bush administration. It’s just what Islam needs, another holy day.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.