Wedding gift worth extra laughs

By Kevin Wilson: FNM columnist

I have nothing worth 500 words this week, but a few things worth about 150. Here are the thoughts I had while watching the Texas Rangers’ bullpen blow a lead Monday night:

• I was killing time at a store a few days ago. I don’t want to name it and affect its business, but I’ll note that it has a section dedicated to wedding registries.

Whenever I walk by a section like that, I consider planting a seed of comedy. When I actually have money to burn sometime, I’ll identify a couple I have no connection to whatsoever, buy the cheapest thing on the registry, skip the wedding and wait by the mailbox.

If I pick a courteous couple, they’ll no doubt find a way to write a thank-you card. But will they acknowledge in the card they have no idea who I am? Or will they write around it, and say, “We missed you at the wedding and value your friendship” instead? I think that kind of comedy is worth a four-slice toaster.

I threw this suggestion by a coworker, who said they’d just credit some other Kevin Wilson they know — which, I guess, would be karma for the time I won a close election in college and a fellow student named Kevin Williamson told me friends assumed they were voting for him.

• A quick word on the birther movement, and lawyer Orly Taitz, who recently filed a birth certificate she contends proves Barack Obama was born in Kenya and is thus ineligible to be president.

The document in question has several red flags, including notarization from the Republic of Kenya 10 months before Kenya declared itself a republic.

In a response to forgery charges, Taitz gave several defenses. I took note of her claim that “I am not supposed to waste my time and money on this issue … Obama (is) the one who is supposed to provide evidence of legitimacy.”

Let’s set aside the certificate of live birth issued by the state of Hawaii and its verification by factcheck.org, Hawaii’s secretary of health confirming the birth, Hawaii’s Republican governor confirming the birth and the pair of Honolulu newspapers that ran birth announcements.

Instead, let’s consult West’s Encyclopedia of American Law, under “burden of proof.” It is, “The responsibility of proving a disputed charge or allegation.”

When Taitz filed a motion relating to the document, she accepted burden of proof. And with it, she accepted any expenses and time commitments necessary to prove her case.

• I didn’t really think cereal would be a divisive issue with my friends and family, but I apparently don’t know my friends and family.

Monday, I posted an online status, “Sorry to break it to you, Multi-Grain Cheerios, but I hooked up with your hot little sister Fruity. And she’s a keeper.”

I meant to get a laugh or two, and I got those. But I also got a comment from Robert, who scolded me for breaking up with my cereal online — proving I learned nothing from Robert being dumped via text message Sunday by a man named Joaquin that he never met.

My first high school girlfriend wrote back and called me sexist for preferring the younger one. Another friend suggested other types of Cheerios if I was seeking more promiscuity. And my uncle wrote back that I was crazy to pursue a relationship of any type.

And that’s why he’s my favorite uncle.