Another inbox deleted from life

Kevin Wilson

I’ve had seven e-mail addresses in my life. I mourned the death of No. 3 on Tuesday. announced it was phasing out its service, which shouldn’t have come as a surprise. I doubt I was the only one who had long since gone elsewhere for my main e-mail, and used theirs only when it requires an address for contests.

Still, it felt odd saying goodbye, so I took one last read from the 12-year-old account to see the way I and my friends were. Call it a cheap cut-and-paste if you must, but I’ll call it catharsis.

• “(Population: you, and you don’t live there)” My friend Steven, making fun of Montana, and asking if I’d ever get back there. Obviously, Steven, not yet. We are still friends who make fun of how white we are … I own top honors for, “When you walk by a bag of marshmallows at the store they scream, ‘Daddy, Daddy…’”

• “It’s okay, I have been stalking you.” My friend Rachael. My, how stalking’s changed. I can find anybody on Google, except for that one friend from college who shares a name with a girl who dated Ben Affleck. Otherwise, stalking is involuntary, as I passively know what 10 percent of my Facebook friends had for breakfast.

• “Whether it’s Kobe (Bryant) in hot water, Kwame (Brown) on the breathalyzer, the wolves circling around Quin (Snyder) at Mizzou or Dave Bliss going them all one better in the ‘scum-of-the-earth’ department, life may not imitate art, but sport sure imitates life.” My friend R.J., lamenting on how sports stars are far from perfect. Bet you could swap out names “Mad Libs” style and still keep it relevant for 2010.

• George Carlin never e-mailed me, but I quoted him for my e-mail signature. “When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes a lot of sense. There isn’t a whole lot worth paying attention to in this country.” It amazes me to realize he said that when tweeting was something only birds did, and the only Kardashian we knew was O.J.’s lawyer.

• “I’m still not too stoked on living in California (gas here right now is $2.67 a gallon and the going price for a mobile home is around $300,000 … not kidding).” My friend Michelle, in 2005. Gas is now $3.09, the state’s broke and the governor’s off doing movie cameos for Stallone … and she still lives there. Her break point is coming soon.

• “I think we are getting a new computer next month so I will be able to write you a lot more.” Lisa, 2004. Her new computer must have arrived in 2008, when she wrote again.

• “I only do my striptease for 85 year old millionaires with heart problems. There is something to strive for.” My friend Laura, on not giving me my birthday wishes. Millionaires, she’s still looking.

• “Of course, this is coming from a girl who would marry the first guy I meet who secretly helps out at a homeless shelter every Sunday morning and proceeds to come make me breakfast.” Relationship advice from my friend Colleen. Looking back, I should have made her breakfast.

I wonder what will be uncovered when my next e-mail address is gone. But I’ll be hard-pressed to beat my new signature, “Always do what’s next.” Thanks again, George.