Marla Jo Fisher
Seriously, you people have been mulling this over.
Last week, I wrote a column describing my plans to get revenge on my kids when I’m a doddering old lady living in their house, for all the things they do now that set my teeth on edge.
For example, I plan to drink all the milk in their fridge, then put the empty milk carton back in, but not until I’ve spent five minutes staring into the refrigerator with the door open.
Then I plan to get my newly washed clothes out of the dryer and throw them into my dirty clothes hamper, because I’m too lazy to put them away. Then I will eat an entire meal in my bedroom and hide the dirty dishes.
I asked readers to give me suggestions for more things I could do, and I’m impressed. Some of you replied within nanoseconds.
A few people suggested this one: Empty the ice cream carton and put it back in the freezer with only one spoonful remaining. Yes, that would be especially cruel.
Here are more reader suggestions:
Tracy Miller, Huntington Beach, Calif.: Never, ever flush the toilet again. Leave your wet laundry in the washer up to a week.
When they take you out to lunch, say how hungry you are, order lots of food. When it arrives, pick it over and eat nothing. Then demand dessert.
Never pass a store without wistfully sighing about a video game that your friends have that you don’t. Get them to spend $50 or more on it. Then play it once and complain about how much it “stinks.”
Remove batteries from any electronic thing and just throw them on the floor, or decorate a counter top. Leave it a mystery as to whether they are still good or not.
Polly Welsch, Anaheim, Calif: Open a new soda or bottled water each time you come into the kitchen, take a sip, and leave it in the next room.
Play Sing Along with Mitch Miller and Lawrence Welk records real loudly, because you won’t be able to hear.
Leave the lights and TV on, even when you are not in the room.
Expect to be taken out to dinner each and every Friday and Saturday night and when you find out where you are going, call your friends and invite them to meet you there and don’t offer to pitch in on the bill or leave a tip because you don’t have any money.
Tell them you are going to visit your sister in Arizona, and actually spend a week in Vegas gambling your heart out.
Suzanne Ganatta, Mammoth, Calif.: Walk in the door, take off your jacket and drop it on the floor, change the TV channel to whatever you want regardless of who was watching, turn it up to a blaring volume and, when done, let the remote fall into an abyss that makes your grown kids hunt for it.
Use a new glass for every sip of water.
Come to dinner, not help make it, eat and make a mess and leave without offering to help clean up.
From Nicole Roach, Mission Viejo, Calif.:
Use the last of the toilet paper and leave the empty roll.
Leave your wet bathing suit on the brand-new carpet.
Wipe your toothpaste mouth on the dark colored towels.
Eat popsicles in the back yard and let the wrappers blow into the bushes.
Visit every room in the house with muddy cleats on.
Sylvia Wilm, Anaheim, Calif.:
Make them drive you to 10 places in one day.
Ask them to take you shopping and, as soon as you get home, tell them you forgot something from a store on the other side of town.
Have them buy you glasses or dental equipment you have no intention of using.
Susanna Petrovich, Huntington Beach, Calif.:
Never take a shower and, when asked, insist you took one yesterday.
Dana Segner, Trabuco Canyon, Calif.:
Call from jail, and when asked what you did and what happened, say “Nothing.”
Richard Day, Cypress, Calif.:
Hide the car keys.
Leave the gas burner on the stove burning.
Happy Grammy in Orange County, Calif.:
You don’t have to do any of that. Just encourage your children to get married and have children. Then sit back laughing as you enjoy the revenge.
Marla Jo Fisher was a workaholic before she adopted two foster kids several years ago. Now she juggles work and single parenting, while being exhorted from everywhere to be thinner, smarter, sexier, healthier, more frugal, a better mom, better dressed and a tidier housekeeper. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org. Read her blog at http://themomblog.freedomblogging.com/category/frumpy-middleaged-mom-marla-jo-fisher/