HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?
• John Daly thrilled the Buick Open gallery Wednesday by hitting a monster drive off his pro-am partner Kid Rock's beer can. It's a lesson. Golf may suffer while Tiger Woods is recuperating, but the sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.
George Carlin died Sunday following a landmark stand-up comedy career spanning 40 years. He often belittled religious belief and referred to God as a spooky and incompetent father figure. It's a good thing he knows how to deal with hecklers.
• The Supreme Court ruled that Washington D.C. residents can have handguns at home. The reaction was mixed. If nothing else it will reduce Bill Clinton's temptation to remind Hillary every morning that he was twice elected president of the United States.
• Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton flew together to New Hampshire on Friday. The plane had to fly through thunderstorms to get there. Bill Richardson was glued to the Weather Channel the whole time like a dog watching the back door of a butcher shop.
• Hillary Clinton appeared with Barack Obama Friday in New Hampshire. She acted very supportive of him and her voters acted very supportive of him. Barack Obama suspected them of faking it but no man really wants to believe it could happen to him.
• Michelle Obama told gay Democrats in New York on Thursday her husband will fight for gay equality because he believes it's a civil rights issue. We must all try our best. Someday Republicans will be able to talk golf with gay people and someday Democrats will be able to visualize straight white men without their Nazi uniforms on.
• The Supreme Court cut Exxon Mobil's damages for the Exxon Valdez spill to $500 million Monday. The court said the punitive damages can only be as great as the economic damages. So if you're paying $70 to fill your tank, keep records.
• Harry Shearer's new album Songs of the Bushmen was denied billboard advertising space Thursday because the album cover depicts President Bush with a bone through his nose. It will end up being decided in court. The First Amendment must be balanced against a comedian’s need to get in all the Bush jokes he can before he leaves office.
• Congress voted $162 billion for the Iraq war Tuesday, raising the total to $1 trillion. The stock market crashed and oil prices soared. President Bush is such a disaster that FEMA is setting up trailers on the South Lawn.
• Buns and Guns is a terrorist-themed restaurant that just opened in a Hezbollah-controlled area of Beirut, which lets diners relax to the sound of recorded gunfire. So far only three customers have died. It's just the wrong place to order corned beef.
• Bill Gates retired from Microsoft Friday to spend his time in charity work. He is the third richest man in the world and he sees no need to work anymore. Someone needs to warn him that those who do not study Ed McMahon are doomed to repeat him.
• John McCain met with GM auto workers in Ohio on Friday. He told them he supports the free trade agreements that are costing them their jobs. The North Vietnamese never had any intention of torturing John McCain until they asked him for his trade policy.
• The University of Texas at Brownsville is trying to stop the construction of a border fence with Mexico which will run through school grounds, because it would leave the school's golf course cut off inside Mexico. The fence is critically needed. The 50,000 people per day asking if they can play through aren't all golfers.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.