HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• George Carlin was eulogized Tuesday as the funniest and most provocative stand-up comedian of his generation. He died only five days after Tiger Woods suffered season-ending injuries. All in all it was a bad week for people who cuss on television.
• Don Imus implied on his radio show Monday that Dallas Cowboy Adam “Pacman” Jones’ six arrests aren’t surprising considering he’s black. It was an honest mistake. The next day Don Imus issued a clarification saying what he meant to say was, We Shall Overcome.
• Merrill Lynch’s survey said Tuesday there were 10 million millionaires in the world. The list includes everyone from Arab sheiks to San Fernando Valley tract home owners. By next year it will include everyone with enough money for a full tank of gas.
• The White House said Tuesday it won’t interfere with negotiations between Iraq and Western oil companies vying to reconstitute Iraq’s national oil company. There’s no reason to interfere. Once the father has given away the bride, let the drilling begin.
• United Airlines announced Tuesday that it must lay off 950 of its airline pilots due to reduced routes. It’s a very rough economy right now. Hopefully the pilots will qualify for federal drink stamps until they can be re-hired.
• The Los Angeles Times published the results Monday of EPA-administered drug tests on the raw sewage of the world’s major cities. It shows Los Angeles leads every city in the country in cocaine use. Now you know why we don’t miss pro football.
• GOP advisor Charlie Black apologized for saying terror attacks would help John McCain. He vowed to be more careful. If you don’t think Republicans can be careful, remember there hasn’t been one oil spill since the price hit twenty dollars per barrel.
• The Supreme Court agreed Monday to hear a case on the Navy’s sonar training in the Pacific Ocean. Opponents say sonar threatens sea life. If a nuclear submarine should send out out the wrong signal, how does it tells a sperm whale that no means no?
• Barack Obama shook hands with supporters at a bakery in Albuquerque Monday. He said he would get rid of the White House bowling alley because it’s something he would never use. It’s the exact same reason President Bush got rid of the Treaty Room.
• Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will hold a rally together Friday. It will take place in Unity, New Hampshire, because they felt the town’s name made it most appropriate. Apparently Deadhorse, Alaska and Loco, Oklahoma were already booked.
• Bill Clinton vowed Tuesday to help Barack Obama get elected president. It won’t be like campaigning for his wife. He’s going to miss the days when his staffers had Hillary’s schedule in their hands and he knew she was on the other side of the country.
• Senator John McCain announced Tuesday he will visit Colombia next month to show his support in its battle against illegal drug production. It’s no surprise he’s fully onboard in the War on Drugs. He’s got a thing for unwinnable wars that never end.
• Transportation Department data released Monday says motorists are driving much more slowly on the road in the last two months to try to save gas. Not everyone’s happy about it. Fifty miles an hour takes all the sport out of freeway shooting.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.