HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?
• Saudi Arabia held a world summit meeting Sunday to discuss ways to reduce high oil prices. It's absolutely killing the restaurant business. Everyone is staying home at night playing the world's hottest new Playstation game, Grand Theft Gasoline.
• Gloucester High School in Massachusetts was rocked when dozens of girls decided to get pregnant and seventeen of them succeeded this month. It's devastating. In addition to losing its tourism revenue, New Orleans has lost its title as the Big Easy.
• The Los Angeles Dodgers were honored by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce last week with their own star on Hollywood Boulevard. It's a first. Until now no one ever thought there could be twenty-five guys on Hollywood Boulevard who couldn't score.
• Los Angeles temperatures hit triple digits Sunday, causing wildfire alerts. The scorching weather brought the sharks to the beaches. What do you expect, those guys who own gas stations can't sit in those little glass boxes all year in this heat.
• Tiger Woods shook off his broken leg and torn knee Tuesday to shoot three Accenture commercials. His value as a pitchman is greater than ever now that he is injured. You have to know how to play through pain to drive a Buick at four dollars per gallon.
• President Bush blamed Democrats Saturday for causing high gasoline prices by opposing offshore drilling. For the first time in years, American public opinion is behind him. What's the point of having a beautiful beach if nobody can afford to drive on it. Barack Obama reneged on his pledge to observe federal campaign spending limits Friday. He qualified for eighty million dollars in public financing and he's turning it down. Ed McMahon
just announced he's running for president as soon as his neck heals.
• Ed McMahon was sued by CitiBank for a hundred and eighty thousand dollars Friday as foreclosure loomed. No one can believe he blew through his entire two hundred million dollar fortune. Normally to waste that much money you'd have to invade Iraq.
• Barack Obama infuriated purists Friday when he unveiled a podium seal with the presidential eagle in the center. The shield underneath is replaced by a rising sun. When you're raised in Hawaii, the Japanese air force is never far from your mind.
• John McCain traveled to Canada Friday where he touted himself as the candidate of free trade to America's number-one trading partner. He said he knows there are no electoral votes in Canada. He makes it a point once a day to show he is not senile.
• Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused the U.S. of hatching a plot to kidnap and assassinate him when he went to Iraq in March. That would require forethought and planning and intelligence by the Bush administration. He was laughed out of court.
• Condi Rice finalizes a nuclear disarmament deal with North Korea this week. The North Koreans are willing to implode their nuclear facilities on live television. There's nothing left that the regime can do to save their economy except to build a casino.
• Martha Stewart was denied entry to Britain Friday because of her conviction for lying about her stock trades. She was in Warsaw launching her magazine's Polish language edition. Back in Eastern Europe her magazine is titled, You Call This Living?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.