HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?
• NASA reported on Friday the Phoenix Lander exploring Mars found what analysts believe is ice. Scientists were guarded. We don't know if there's actually life on Mars because the presence of ice doesn't by itself guarantee the presence of cocktails.
• Safeway begin restocking its produce shelves with tomatoes Thursday despite the threat of salmonella poisoning. It's a humanitarian gesture. They know customers are suffering from high gasoline prices and they wanted to offer them an easy way out.
• Tiger Woods decided Tuesday to sit out the PGA tour this year following his U.S. Open win. He had a broken left leg and a torn up left knee and he won the U.S. Open. It's the most incredible feat on one leg since Heather Mills attracted Paul McCartney.
• President Bush called for offshore drilling Tuesday as polls showed widespread support for the idea and trust in its safety. Not one drop of oil spilled in the Gulf during Hurricane Katrina. That's because the Republicans prioritized the rescues.
• Belgium released a study Tuesday proving men make bad judgments about alcohol and money whenever they see a woman in a bikini. It could be worse. Seeing women covered from head to toe causes men to fly planes into buildings, so take your choice.
• John McCain slammed Barack Obama in Canada on Friday for having a naive Middle East policy. The Arizona senator has his own plan to bring the troops home. When he annexes Iraq as our 51st state, technically speaking the troops will be home.
• Mississippi River flood levees broke in Iowa on Thursday. The flooding reduced pressure on the river and saved New Orleans. After 140 years of Reconstruction it's about time Union states picked up their share of the clean-up tab.
• The Supreme Court made it easier Thursday for older workers to claim they have been discriminated against due to their age. Reaction was swift. The Republican National Committee just announced it will sue anybody who doesn't vote for John McCain.
• Mayor Mike Bloomberg gave a speech to elderly Jewish voters in Florida Friday assuring them Barack Obama is not a Muslim. Obama can win these people over. All he needs is Alan King's old act and they'll be putty in his hands in 15 minutes.
• Barack Obama's campaign named former U.S. Senator Sam Nunn as a potential running mate on Friday. He fills the bill. In order to keep the defense industry humming it's required that the vice president must either be Dick Cheney or look just like him.
• South Africa's former president Nelson Mandela will be honored in Europe this week with a huge celebration on his ninetieth birthday. He spent 25 years in prison before he served in public office. In America we do it the other way around.
• Martha Stewart was denied a visa to enter Great Britain Friday due to her past conviction and imprisonment for lying to the FBI. There's really no need for her to be there. They already have a Queen who knows how to decorate a house like a Protestant.
• Congress agreed Friday on a surveillance bill that shields telecom companies from lawsuits for warrantless wiretaps ordered by the White House. The president doesn't eavesdrop nearly as much as he did in the past. Now that his approval rating is down to 25 percent, he doesn't want to hear what people are saying.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.