HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Tiger Woods shocked the sports world Wednesday by dropping out of the PGA Tour this season for surgery. He won the U.S. Open playing on torn knee ligaments and a broken leg. At the end of the tournament he was endorsing Buick’s new Ambulance sedan.
• Roger Clemens sold his Bentley to rocker Bret Michaels Monday to pay off his mounting legal bills. It had an instant effect. The next day thousands of kids across the nation dropped out of Little League and enrolled in an afterschool pre-law program.
• The Boston Celtics clobbered the Los Angeles Lakers Tuesday to capture the NBA Championship. The refereeing was loose. The Celtics were assaulting Kobe Bryant under the basket and getting away with it, proving that what goes around comes around.
• California courthouses began issuing gay marriage licenses on Tuesday, causing a national panic. Other states fear they will be forced to recognize gay marriage when these couples return home. They have until the next earthquake to worry about it.
• The Weather Channel showed scary footage Wednesday of Mississippi River levees breaking in downstate Illinois. Many of the houses and towns on the river are built on bluffs. One guy financed a six-bedroom home by convincing Countrywide he had a job.
• President Bush visited flooded farms and small towns of Iowa Thursday where he met with flood victims and consoled them. It was an eye-opening experience for the president. He’s been in over his head for seven years and he never thought of sandbags.
• The White House asked Congress for $2 billion for Iowa floods Wednesday. It’s the worst disaster since Katrina. There have been so many plagues during the Bush presidency that by the end of his term he will have his own book in the Old Testament.
• President Bush urged Congress to lift the federal ban on offshore oil drilling Wednesday to relieve high gasoline prices. No one can remember the last time George W. Bush had the public completely on his side. Halley’s Comet comes around more often.
• Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid denounced President Bush’s proposal Wednesday to begin drilling offshore and called on the government to encourage development of renewable sources of energy. You can’t run a car on wind. It’s not like the Senate.
• House Democrats called for nationalization of oil refineries Wednesday. We have a government that wiretaps citizens, jails without due process and wants to own the oil industry. Saddam Hussein just used the clouds to skywrite Mission Accomplished.
• Exxon Mobil announced last week it will sell all its service stations to focus on oil drilling. These are lucrative street corners. Half of the people in their Service Station Owner Training Program are crack dealers looking for greener pastures.
• Toyota Motors announced Thursday it will build a line of cars next year that will run on electricity. Talk about the law of unintended consequences. Every American household now wants to get ahold of Iran’s nuclear technology to build a power plant.
• John McCain and Barack Obama sat beside each other at Tim Russert’s funeral this week. The hard-hitting interviewer died suddenly just a week after the Democratic nomination was settled. Hillary Clinton couldn’t be at the funeral, but she will be at the trial.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.