HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• President Bush tours Iowa today where half the homes are flooded. The water is contaminated with fertilizer and soil additives and pesticides. Next year when corn grows out of linoleum it will be the signature achievement of the Bush administration.
• California began allowing same-sex marriages Tuesday due to a court ruling. The right for gays to marry will be a state ballot measure in November. Voters will probably cut it off, that’s how much everybody’s pandering to Saudi Arabia these days.
• Southwest Airlines passengers got a scare landing in Phoenix Monday when smoke filled the cabin after a wheel blew out. It was a lesson in safety precautions. One woman nearly suffocated because she didn’t have the $20 for the oxygen mask.
• President Bush visited a high school in Belfast Monday, which teaches Protestant and Catholic students together. The two sides have been warring for four hundred years. Whenever there’s an explosion in the chemistry class, the teacher gets merit pay.
• Southern California’s real estate home values took their steepest drop in over 20 years. Suburbs are hit hardest because driving back and forth to work is unaffordable. Gas is so expensive prisoners don’t even want their sentences commuted.
• Barack Obama told Michigan students Tuesday he would give them a $4,000 tax credit to help pay for college. It’s rapidly getting out of reach. Only the rich will be able to afford college if Budweiser gets bought by a foreign brewery.
• Barack Obama was televised attending a new church in Chicago Sunday. Democrats today are happy to display their religious faith. Walter Mondale once said there’s no place for God in politics, and apparently God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.
• Michelle Obama submitted her favorite cookie recipe for Family Circle’s first lady contest Monday. Her personally-invented cookie recipe is shortbread cookies flavored with Amaretto. She made her first fortune catering AA conventions in Chicago.
• Cindy McCain’s cookie recipe in Family Circle Monday was apparently stolen from Hershey’s. She was also nabbed for stealing recipes off the Food Network. If most trophy wives can just stick a toothpick into an olive they’ve done their cooking for the day.
• Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will appear together to meet donors next week at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, D.C. The hotel is a must-see for every tourist who visits the nation’s capital. They sell Maps to the Hookers’ Rooms in the gift shop.
• John McCain flew to Houston Tuesday where he urged lifting the ban on offshore drilling. It’s of little concern to Americans now what might happen to marine life. It’s no accident that the most frequently used actor’s name in porno movies is Derrick.
• Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe warned the U.S. and Britain not to interfere in his run-off election. He rigged the last election to get in the run off. U.S. monitors saw so much cheating they thought their plane accidentally landed in Chicago.
• Joan Rivers was kicked off a British daytime talk show in the middle of a live broadcast on Tuesday for using expletives to describe Russell Crowe. She was happy to have the publicity. Joan Rivers is 75 years old but Ed McMahon has already proved that no who worked on the Tonight Show can ever afford to stop working.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.