HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?
• Tiger Woods topped crowd favorite Rocco Mediate to win the U.S. Open Monday. The gallery went wild for a guy wearing a huge peace sign for a belt buckle. They did not buy President Bush's story that the 18 holes were caused by Iranian rockets.
• Major League Baseball announced plans Friday to have their umpires use instant replay on home-run calls starting in early August. NBA referees don't need instant replay. Whenever there's a dispute over a call, they simply ask the script supervisor.
• The Weather Channel aired video footage of major flooding in Iowa and Missouri Monday. It's disrupting the entire farm economy. Every day farmers have to get up at three in the morning to feed the chickens and slop the hogs and milk the taxpayers.
• Dale Earnhardt Jr. won at the Michigan International Speedway on Sunday. He had to coast to the finish line at the end of the 400 mile race. He couldn't afford to refuel until after they handed him the $2 million check for winning.
• Saudi Arabia agreed to increase its crude oil drilling Monday. High oil prices are destabilizing the world. When newspapers said Sunday gasoline prices in Iran are $.40 a gallon, Americans no longer wanted to invade Iran, they wanted to defect.
• Hillary Clinton sponsored a bill Monday to rename the U.S. highway at the Buffalo Bills' stadium after Tim Russert. She bore no hard feelings over his brutal debate questions. The last thing he did was to write her a note thanking her for the tomatoes.
• Al Gore endorsed Barack Obama Monday and offered to help the candidate in any way he can. It came just in time. That Internet Al invented is forcing Barack to deal with a thousand damaging rumors a day, so the least he could do is pull the plug on it.
• Barack Obama gave a speech Sunday at the Apostolic Church of God in Chicago about the importance of fathers. He's shopping for a new church. He's looking for a strong pastor with a vigorous social message and a superstitious fear of video cameras.
• President Bush told England he rejects the idea that only white-guy Methodists are capable of self-government. It's an article of faith with him. He deeply believes that all people are capable of self-government once a white-guy Methodist topples their dictator for them.
• The Vatican denied a rumor Monday that President Bush is about to convert to Roman Catholicism. The rumor was probably spread by terrorists when they heard President Bush's last stop would be in Northern Ireland. Every industry is outsourcing nowadays.
• President Bush told the London Observer on Sunday he's going to write a memoir about his presidency after he leaves office. It's the same old story. President Bush feels very passionately that history is too important to be left to the historians.
• President Bush snapped at a toast to him at a Paris banquet Friday, saying that it sounded like a political obituary when he still has months left. In truth, the French have a lot of sympathy for President Bush. They weren't any good at colonialism either.
• Prime Minister Gordon Brown met President Bush in London Monday and they froze the assets of Iran's biggest bank. They had no choice. Freezing a bank's assets is the only way to close it down when it had too much sense to invest in subprime mortgages.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.