HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The Weather Channel showed video Saturday of flooding in Iowa spreading misery everywhere. The water is way too contaminated to drink. There’s so much mercury in the Des Moines River that doctors are taking their patients’ temperatures with catfish.
• Ken Griffey Jr. hit his six hundredth career home run last week on the road. He got a standing ovation from fans for doing it without steroids, unlike others. He’s so ruined the curve that UCLA’s admissions office named him an honorary Asian student.
• Microsoft’s Hotmail had a glitch discovered in its spellcheck Friday. It says Obama is correctly spelled Osama. If you think that’s awful, imagine the career problems caused by e-mails going out to publicists to promote actress Hitler Locklear.
• Scarlett Johansson praised Barack Obama Thursday and said she can’t believe he takes the time to answer her e-mails to him. This may hurt him in the eyes of his followers. If Mary Magdalene looked like Scarlett Johansson, we’d all still be Jewish.
• Barack Obama called Friday for a huge hike in Social Security taxes for higher incomes. You never promise to raise taxes while running for president. Apparently bad tomatoes don’t just give you salmonella, they can also give you Mondale Syndrome.
• Don Rumsfeld was reported Saturday to have purchased a Vespa Italian scooter to get around his Virginia neighborhood. It goes sixty miles an hour and gets sixty miles per gallon. Say what you will about Donald Rumsfeld, but he always has a Plan B.
• Exxon Mobil announced plans Friday to sell all their company-owned gas stations. It’s probably due to liability costs. Last week two dozen gas station managers broke their necks from falling off the ladder they have to climb every day to raise prices.
• John McCain canceled a fundraiser at Texas oilman Clayton Williams’ home after reporters unearthed a rape joke the oilman cracked twenty years ago. That was a different time. People still thought rape was funny when gasoline wasn’t four dollars a gallon.
• John McCain’s college student daughter Meghan McCain turned Republican Friday as a Fathers Day gift for her dad. She’s always been an independent but she wanted to be a Republican in time for the election. The apples don’t fall far from the tree.
• Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi endorsed John McCain because the senator is a month older than he is. The prime minister said he’s tired of being labeled the oldest world leader. They both go to a tailor in Rome who specializes in orthopedic tuxedoes.
• President Bush and France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy together threatened Syria and Iran Saturday. Mr. Bush felt a lot less lonely when he heard the French leader is of Hungarian descent. No one ever referred to a Hungarian as Attila the Peacemaker.
• Iran turned down the six-nation offer of incentives to stop uranium enrichment Saturday. It increases the chance of war with Iran. When Dick Cheney got home that night he walked through the front door and kissed Lynne like they were still teenagers.
• Prince Charles paid off a three-hundred-and-fifty-seven-year-old debt Thursday owed by his ancestor Charles II to Worcester Clothiers in East Anglia. The tailor had made uniforms for the Cavaliers in the latter years of the English Civil War but he had gone unpaid due to holes in the uniforms. Baptists have always been good shots.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.