HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?
• Universal Studios Tours reopened Friday after a spectacular fire sent flames hundreds of feet high across the movie lot. The fire marshal made them put it out. They should have cleared it with him before they opened the Hillary in Hell Adventure.
• Wisconsin was flooded Monday by high-rising rivers that carried entire houses away in the raging torrents. FEMA was right there with trailers, however they sank like a rock. President Bush vowed that next time he will wait for the water to recede.
• Big Brown finished dead last in the Belmont and lost his bid to win the Triple Crown on Saturday. The race had the second tragic ending of the season. The horse was taken off steroids a month ago and he ran so slow the jockey died of malnutrition.
• The U.S. Open tees off Thursday, drawing golf fans from all over the nation to La Jolla. Gas there is five dollars a gallon. Hertz is promising its best customers if they'll rent an SUV for the weekend they can be upgraded to a subcompact for free.
• President Bush admitted en route to Europe that the economy is becoming a major concern. Everyone wants to help.
• The Los Angeles Homeless Shelter got a surprise visit from Ed McMahon Monday and an even bigger surprise request for a place to crash.
• Mike Huckabee saved a North Carolina Republican from choking to death at a GOP luncheon Monday by using the Heimlich maneuver. He said it's the third time he has saved a man's life with it. Then he corrected himself and said John McCain taught it to him.
• The Gallup Poll released Monday showed that only twenty-two percent of Hillary Clinton's voters will vote for Barack Obama. The media is dancing carefully around the reason why. Anyone who suggests it might be race could lose Don Imus's radio show.
• Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met Friday to plan future strategy. He needs her help with the women's vote and she will help. She needs his help to retire her campaign liability but not even Jesus Christ could force Bill Clinton to stop talking.
• Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones launched a video website Monday where you can watch them discuss Bill Clinton. It's a gold mine. They charge you two dollars to watch them talk about Bill Clinton's sex life and ten dollars to shut up and go away.
• McDonald's took tomatoes off its menus Monday due to a salmonella outbreak. It is a campaign issue already. Democrats were first to point out that the difference between salmonella poisoning and John McCain is that salmonella has an exit strategy.
• President Bush landed in Slovenia Monday to attend the European Union's annual summit. His staff says after the summit he will embark on a one-week valedictory tour of Europe. Seven days is long time but that's as fast as the tank will carry him.
• Scott McClellan agreed Monday to testify before the House Judiciary Committee about the CIA leak scandal, reopening the can of worms over why we invaded Iraq. Scooter Libby has been convicted, Karl Rove could be indicted and Dick Cheney could be impeached. President Bush is pretty much down to denying that he ever bet on baseball.
• President Bush hosted the Congressional picnic on the South Lawn Thursday. They enjoyed ribs, potato salad and corn on the cob. To make the congressmen feel at home they don't serve anything at this picnic that is not subsidized by the Farm Bill.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.