HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?
• Hillary Clinton remained holed up inside her home in Chappaqua Tuesday for the third straight day without any public appearances. She's not upset. Just to show there's no hard feelings, she sent Barack Obama a crate of tomatoes and a horse's head.
• Rodney King agreed Tuesday to be an alcohol recovery patient on the cable show Celebrity Rehab. The producers don't know what they're getting into. The episode where he describes the damage caused by his drinking will be a twelve-part miniseries.
• The New York Daily News revealed Monday Roger Clemens regularly took Vi*gr* to enhance his pitching performance. It's obvious looking back at the game tapes. Every other pitcher talking to the catcher uses the baseball glove to cover his mouth.
• Tiger Woods is favored to win the U.S. Open starting today in La Jolla. He played a practice round at the course Monday where he was followed closely by a detail of San Diego police officers. It's just amazing how many people mistake him for Barack Obama.
• The New York Times said Muslim women in Europe are paying plastic surgeons to restore their virginity. It's a cultural thing. After watching what happened after the Kentucky Derby, they're afraid if they blame it on horseback riding they'll get shot.
• Malibu hired Ken Starr last week to draft a law to tax tabloid photographers. It's a cycle. Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered so they can make it big, and the ones who've made it big have to pay lawyers to keep from being discovered.
• Barack Obama's campaign reported Monday it may raise a hundred million dollars in the month of June alone. It's the best month in political fundraising history. He's lucky the Senate killed that windfall profits tax before he had to pay it himself.
• Barack Obama met privately with black ministers in Chicago Tuesday. The talks were wide-ranging. They had a long discussion over whether it's more damaging for Americans to hear his pastor's latest sermon or for people to think he's a Muslim.
• Hillary Clinton's campaign was reported Monday to be thirty million dollars in debt. It includes six million dollars of her money and five million dollars of Bill's money. That's still cheaper than hiring a publicist to keep them in the news every day.
• U.S. Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced 35 articles of impeachment against President Bush on Tuesday. This could backfire. It wipes out so many trees to print up all the offenses that Democrats will be blamed for killing the rainforest.
• President Bush landed in Berlin Tuesday on the second stop of a seven-day trip, which his aides are calling the president's Farewell to Europe. That's ridiculous. Europe survived World War I and World War II, and it's going to survive George W. Bush.
• Scott McClellan agreed to testify to Congress about his knowledge of the White House role in the outing of a CIA agent's identity. He served for years as White House press secretary. He resigned when it dawned on him that U.S. foreign policy is so confused that the disinformation he was intentionally handing out may actually be true.
• The Gallup Poll out Tuesday showed almost sixty percent of Americans now favor offshore oil drilling and oil drilling in Alaska's wildlife refuge. In just one week, four dollar per gallon gasoline undid thirty years of environmental indoctrination. Across the country today, grade-schoolers are writing essays titled, It's Just a Moose.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.