HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?
• Vanity Fair will publish seminude photos of fifteen-year-old Disney star Miley Cyrus in June. The magazine expects the issue to break sales records. Barack Obama said working-class Americans always turn to child pornography whenever they're bitter.
• Pastor Jeremiah Wright said Monday the U.S. government invented AIDS to wipe out blacks. It's so sad. If only that great white shark had eaten a black guy instead of a white guy Friday, Jeremiah Wright would have a new opening joke in his act today.
• New York's Daily News reports Roger Clemens had a ten-year affair with a singer he met when she was fifteen. How creepy. In college he once accidentally bit his girlfriend, and it took him ten minutes to scotch-tape the wound and blow her back up.
• Pamela Anderson stole the show at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Thank goodness she showed up. If President Bush is going to accuse Iran of having weapons of mass destruction he needs some practice telling which ones are real and which ones are fake.
• President Bush took the baton and led the Marine Band in the Stars and Stripes Forever on Saturday. What else could he do? When you're a lame duck and all your troops are overseas, the Marine Band is the last group that will take your direction.
• Alabama Democrats cried foul after John McCain got a discount on a hall rental last week. They paid full rate when they rented it for the Blue Dot Ball. It's the first fundraiser ever tied to the anniversary of the William Kennedy Smith rape trial.
• The White House revealed Monday that President Bush will visit Israel and Egypt and Saudi Arabia in May. What a trip. He will celebrate Israel's sixtieth birthday and jump start the Middle East peace process, also celebrating its sixtieth birthday.
• Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to a presidential debate without using a moderator Sunday. She said they can go at each other Lincoln-Douglas style. He would love to oblige, but right now his pastor is going at him Lincoln-Booth style.
• Barack Obama's minister Jeremiah Wright addressed the National Press Club in Washington D.C. on Monday. The pastor was incendiary, sacrilegious, smart-alecky and unpatriotic in front of the reporters. In other words he had them at hello.
• Pastor Jeremiah Wright said again Monday that America deserved the World Trade Center attacks. It's out of hand. Barack Obama is doing all he can to distance himself from the pastor, but Michelle refuses to move to the International Space Station.
• The Olympic torch arrived in North Korea Monday and there weren't any protests or disruptions. A well-dressed crowd welcomed the flame's first visit to the country. They cheered the runners as they entered the capital city and then ate them.
• The Supreme Court ruled Monday states can require voters to show a photo ID at the polls. That's no problem here in the land of fake licenses for Mexicans who want to drive and actors who want to be younger. Three ID's means you can vote three times.
• Hillary Clinton ran an ad in North Carolina Monday vowing to force
oil companies to use excess profits to research alternative fuels. It
could win the War on Terror. If we can turn rice and wheat into
gasoline like we've done with corn, in two growing seasons al-Qaeda
will hand over Osama bin Laden in exchange for a Happy Meal.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached by e-mail at email@example.com.