HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?     

• Vanity Fair will publish seminude photos of fifteen-year-old  Disney star Miley Cyrus in June. The magazine expects the issue to  break sales records. Barack Obama said working-class Americans  always turn to child pornography whenever they're bitter.

• Pastor Jeremiah Wright said Monday the U.S. government  invented AIDS to wipe out blacks. It's so sad. If only that great  white shark had eaten a black guy instead of a white guy Friday,  Jeremiah Wright would have a new opening joke in his act today.     

• New York's Daily News reports Roger Clemens had a ten-year  affair with a singer he met when she was fifteen. How creepy. In  college he once accidentally bit his girlfriend, and it took him  ten minutes to scotch-tape the wound and blow her back up.    

•  Pamela Anderson stole the show at the White House Correspondents  Dinner. Thank goodness she showed up. If President Bush is going to  accuse Iran of having weapons of mass destruction he needs some  practice telling which ones are real and which ones are fake.  

• President Bush took the baton and led the Marine Band in the  Stars and Stripes Forever on Saturday. What else could he do? When  you're a lame duck and all your troops are overseas, the Marine  Band is the last group that will take your direction.     

• Alabama Democrats cried foul after John McCain got a  discount on a hall rental last week. They paid full rate when they  rented it for the Blue Dot Ball. It's the first fundraiser ever  tied to the anniversary of the William Kennedy Smith rape trial.     

• The White House revealed Monday that President Bush will  visit Israel and Egypt and Saudi Arabia in May. What a trip. He  will celebrate Israel's sixtieth birthday and jump start the  Middle East peace process, also celebrating its sixtieth birthday.     

• Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to a presidential  debate without using a moderator Sunday. She said they can go at  each other Lincoln-Douglas style. He would love to oblige, but  right now his pastor is going at him Lincoln-Booth style.    

 • Barack Obama's minister Jeremiah Wright addressed the  National Press Club in Washington D.C. on Monday. The pastor was  incendiary, sacrilegious, smart-alecky and unpatriotic in front of  the reporters. In other words he had them at hello.    

 • Pastor Jeremiah Wright said again Monday that America  deserved the World Trade Center attacks. It's out of hand. Barack  Obama is doing all he can to distance himself from the pastor, but  Michelle refuses to move to the International Space Station.    

 • The Olympic torch arrived in North Korea Monday and there  weren't any protests or disruptions. A well-dressed crowd welcomed  the flame's first visit to the country. They cheered the runners  as they entered the capital city and then ate them.    

 • The Supreme Court ruled Monday states can require voters to  show a photo ID at the polls. That's no problem here in the land  of fake licenses for Mexicans who want to drive and actors who  want to be younger. Three ID's means you can vote three times.     

• Hillary Clinton ran an ad in North Carolina Monday vowing to force  oil companies to use excess profits to research alternative fuels. It  could win the War on Terror. If we can turn rice and wheat into  gasoline like we've done with corn, in two growing seasons al-Qaeda  will hand over Osama bin Laden in exchange for a Happy Meal.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in  Hollywood. He can be reached by e-mail at  argus@argushamilton.com.