OKLAHOMA CITY--God bless America, and how's everybody?


   •  Hillary Clinton drubbed Barack Obama in Pennsylvania's  primary Tuesday. It was all demographics. Little did she know when  she forgave her husband for cheating it would someday inspire  white guys to vote for her in gratitude for her generous example.
    • The Shanghai Sheraton put their window washers in Spider-Man  costumes Tuesday. It got everyone's attention. The hotel made a  big mistake last year when they didn't run a psychological profile  on their window washers and handed out Superman costumes.
   • Barack Obama remained upbeat Wednesday after his pummeling  in Pennsylvania. He couldn't knock her out. After Hillary finished  beating him Tuesday, the makers of Waterford crystal offered Obama  ten million dollars for the naming rights to his jaw.
   • Walt Disney's amusement park design firm said Tuesday they  will build a giant Disneyland-like amusement park in Baghdad. The  State Department pushed Disney into doing it fast. If Six Flags  got there first it would just mean three more civil wars.
   •  Donald Trump was reported Wednesday to be considering O.J.  Simpson's request to appear on NBC's Celebrity Apprentice. It's a  perfect pairing. They're both stars, they're both loathed by women,  and they're both famous for their cutthroat business techniques.
   •  CNN anchor Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park Friday  with a rope tied around his neck and genitals. His bosses at CNN  were alarmed. If Larry King tried that with his suspenders they  could lose a valuable host when the blue pill kicked in.
   •  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expanded his probe of the New  England Patriots in Spygate. No wonder Condi Rice wants to be  commissioner. She'd come to the job with a stack of executive  orders saying it's okay for patriots to spy in order to win.
    • The Tudors was picked up by Showtime for a third season on  Tuesday and stars Jonathan Rhys Meyers as King Henry VIII. Its  success is no surprise. You knew that when reality shows caught on  it would eventually lead to beheading wives on television.
    • Laura Bush insisted Tuesday she won't run for office after  she leaves the White House in January. Her record's not good. If  she hadn't forced her husband to quit drinking twenty years ago  we'd have a president today who was at peace with the world.
    • The White House secretly briefed congressmen Wednesday about  its concerns that North Korea built a nuclear plant in Syria. It's  no secret. You can see what the Israeli air force did to the plant  six months ago if you Google the word smithereens.
    • Rush Limbaugh got thousands of Republicans to vote for  Hillary Tuesday. He was unapologetic. After much soul searching,  Rush decided to sacrifice his conservative principles for the  candidate who will be better for jokes during the next eight years.
    • North Carolina Republicans ran a commercial Thursday showing  Barack Obama with his pastor Jeremiah Wright. Then it shows the  minister denouncing America. Barack Obama blasted Republicans for  running the ad, John McCain asked Republicans to remove the ad,  and Hillary denied doing sexual favors for North Carolina Republicans. 
    • The U.N. nuclear watchdog agency reached agreement with Iran  on Wednesday and hailed it as a milestone. The timing was no  accident. Iran just commissioned a personality profile on Senator  John McCain which reveals he makes President Bush look like Gandhi.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in  Hollywood. He can be reached by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.