HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?
• The Los Angeles Dodgers celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of the team's move to Los Angeles on Saturday by playing the Boston Red Sox. They drew a record one hundred fourteen thousand fans to the Los Angeles Coliseum. It was free handgun night.
• The Truckers Union protests high gas prices today by calling for a speed limit reduction. It's not needed in California. Traffic on the San Diego Freeway is so slow that illegal immigrants walking over the border make better time to Los Angeles.
• Sotheby's will auction a letter Abe Lincoln wrote to children saying he doesn't have the legal power to free slaves. It could sell for as much as three million dollars. That's how rare it is for a president to admit that he has to follow the Constitution.
• President Bush threw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals Sunday and was loudly booed by the sold-out crowd. It presented a real problem for the military. They had to set up forty-one thousand new tents at Guantanamo and they only had nine innings to do it.
• Hillary Clinton's campaign accused Barack Obama of tolerating anti-Americanism in church while the Obama team called Hillary a serial liar. It's vicious. Michael Vick can't believe he's in prison while the Democratic National Committee walks free.
• Hillary Clinton bristled Sunday at suggestions she concede to Obama. She's not about to quit the race. She said people may think she's dead but she escaped from the Alamo, she escaped from Bonnie and Clyde's car, and she's going to escape from this.
• Hillary Clinton admitted she wasn't fired upon in Bosnia twelve years ago after comedian Sinbad said it never happened. His eyewitness account had consequences. Sinbad was immediately banned from the Comedy Store for risking a Clinton presidency.
• Barack Obama said Sunday Hillary Clinton ought to stay in the race. Polls show women think it's sexist to pressure her to quit. Ever since the cable news shows switched from opposition to the Iraq war to stopping Hillary, it's gotten very bloody.
• Baghdad broke out in chaos again Friday as Shiite militias and al-Qaeda set off explosions. They terrified diplomats in the Green Zone with mortar fire. As luck would have it, pandemonium is one of President Bush's benchmarks for success in Iraq.
• President Bush plans to meet with Vladimir Putin while he's in Europe. Russia's leader must give up the presidency due to term limits but he's hanging onto power by becoming the prime minister. Dick Cheney would have to die for that to happen here.
• The Olympic torch got to Beijing Monday where the torch was divided into two in Tiananmen Square. One half will go up Mt. Everest and the other half will traverse the world. They hired a General Sherman impersonator to carry the torch through Tibet.
• German Chancellor Angela Merkel announced Saturday she will boycott the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing. She is angry over China's military crackdown in Tibet. Many countries have denounced the crackdown but only Germany deducted points for style.
• The TSA agreed Friday to stop asking women airline passengers to remove their nipple rings at the metal detector. It was a real problem at California airports. The screeners were afraid to pull the rings for fear they would inflate even further.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.