Research digs up new laws
Published: Friday, March 24th, 2006
Here at the Blackwater Law Review, we’re pondering a timely question: Do we have so many laws because we’re crazy, or are we crazy because we have so many laws? As legal scholars, we know all about Parkinson’s Law, Murphy’s Law and others of that ilk. But dozens of new ones keep popping up every day, especially when the legislature’s in session, and we’re here to warn you about them. For instance, have you heard about the Coffee Law or the Law of Biomechanics? Our research dug up at least two dozen new laws just this year. (Five were censored because this is a family newspaper.) So as a public service, we perused that source of all knowledge, the Internet, and compiled a list of the most pressing laws. Study them. You may run into them. Then jot them down, and mail them to your legislator and demand a little action. That’ll make him or her happy. Here’s our latest list: • Law of Lawnmower Repair: After your hands become coated with dirty grease, you have to scratch your nose or go to the bathroom. • Law of Probability: The probability of being seen is directly proportional to the stupidity of whatever you’re doing. • Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. • Law of the Alibi: If you tell your boss you’re late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you’ll have a flat tire. • Law of Change: If you change traffic lanes, the one you left will move faster than the one you’re in now. • Bath Theorem: When your body is fully immersed in water, the phone rings. • Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. • Law of the Result: When you try to show the plumber that your furnace doesn’t work, it does. • Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. • Theater Rule: Patrons whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. • Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a nice cup of hot coffee, you’re asked to do something that takes up your time until the coffee is cold. • Buford’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they have adjacent lockers. • Law of Rugs or Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly proportional to the newness and cost of the carpeting. • Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about. • Law of Style: If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly. • Law of Progress: As soon as you find a product you really like, they stop making it, or they change it and it doesn’t work. • Law of Reverse Inherited Insanity: You get it from your children. • Law of Economics: Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back. • Law of Auto Repair: If you can’t repair your brakes, make your horn louder. Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.
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