You can order my new batch of Valentine’s Day cards at SmartAleckSloan.com

Here are the fronts and backs:

• “You are the Super Bowl of women — The hype is better than the game”

• “There’s a thin line between love and hate — And you’ve crossed it”

• “I don’t like to make mountains out of molehills — But in your case it wouldn’t hurt”

• “You are like candy — In a discount-store piñata”

• “You make my heart race — Every time I think about that lobster you ordered”

• “Money is meaningless — As long as you order off the lunch menu”

• “From the first time I saw you — I never understood what others see in you”

• “You remind me of my cleaning lady — Except she cleaned my house and you cleaned me out”

• “You not only stole my heart — But something even more priceless…my Mastercard”

• “I can’t wait to see you — The collection agency is still calling”

• “Since you know so much about cheating — How about doing my taxes?”

• “My love for you — Has not yet begun”

• “I know that you were hoping for someone better looking — But you do own a mirror, right?”

• “When God created the Big Bang — I wish you had been there”

• “Let’s take it slow — And then come to a complete stop”

• “Remember those moonlit nights — Skinny-dipping with just you, me and Jack Daniels?”

• “You put a Jimmy Buffett song in my heart — ‘Why don’t we get drunk?’”

Wendel Sloan will personalize cards at wendel.sloan@yahoo.com