BEVERLY HILLS – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Pittsburgh Steeler fans were offered four added flights to the Super Bowl city of Tampa Thursday. The city has two airports. U.S. Airways is based in Pittsburgh and they will let each person select where they want to land, the Allegheny or the Monongahela.
• Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for the New York Senate seat Thursday. There were reports of a nanny problem and a marital problem. If her husband is sleeping with the nanny, psychiatrists are right when they say that women marry their fathers.
• Frank Langella was nominated for a Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Richard Nixon. It’s one for the history books. Coyotes bring their cubs to watch this movie at outdoor drive-ins out of a sense of pride that one of their own made it to the top.
• Barack Obama was sworn in a second time on Thursday after the botched ceremony on Inauguration Day. The first time they forgot to say the word “faithfully” and the second time they forgot the Bible. He might as well be president of the Playboy Club.
• A Green Bay school accidentally played Rush Limbaugh’s Inauguration commentary over the PA system Tuesday. Amid all the hubbub, he’s offered to speak to the school and take the kids up for a ride in his jet. Now he’s on a watch list for sex offenders.
• France’s former president Jacques Chirac was hospitalized with dog bites Thursday in Paris. He got mauled by his clinically depressed toy poodle. She picked up the scent of another dog on him and she wouldn’t be bought off with another jeweled collar.
• Iraqi officials said Wednesday they have less money to spend on infrastructure and salaries because the falling price of oil has hit government revenues hard. They said they can’t spend money they don’t have. Have we taught them nothing in six years?
• The U.S. Navy seized an Iranian ship carrying arms to the Palestinian terrorists Friday. There’s outrage. The Arab states say it shows that Barack Obama is hostile to Muslims and the Rocky Mountain states say it shows that he’s hostile to gun rights.
• President Obama revealed Thursday he’s been given a new BlackBerry with which he can text-message friends. All the e-mail he sends is subject to the Presidential Records Act. So if he bets on basketball games he will never work as a referee again.
• Congress praised Florida in a resolution Friday for winning the BCS title. The BCS bowl system is rigged to make sure that the big and rich schools on top stay big and rich and on top. If they wanted to be fair to everyone they would play soccer.
• President Obama ordered an end to the torture of terrorists at Guantanamo last week. Interrogators are looking for new methods. The best way to break people down is to force them to put all their money in the stock market and then watch CNBC all day.
• Barack Obama’s inauguration Tuesday resulted in the doubling of newspaper sales the next day. Other people benefited greatly from the event. Con men were picking up women at the Inaugural by passing themselves off as heirs to the Port-A-Pottie fortune.
• The Chicago Cubs were sold by the Tribune Company for $900 million Thursday to the family that founded the TD Ameritrade online brokerage. The two other finalists for the team were a real estate investor and a hedge fund manager. You are not allowed to buy the Cubs unless you have a demonstrated record of losing.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.