LA JOLLA--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Goldman Sachs mastermind Robert Rubin was reportedly paid $105 million by Citigroup Monday for his advice this past year. He steered the company onto the rocks. Somali pirates wear his image on a medal around their necks.
• Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson announced yet another bailout plan Tuesday. It will allow people to make expensive purchases during the holiday season, which could save us all. Think of how the murder rate would go up if not for jewelry sales at Christmas.
• Nielsen Research says Americans spent a record 142 hours a month during the third quarter watching TV. It was filled with partisan attacks, stock market crashes and credit freezes. In any neighborhood you can hear the screams as people are being abused by their televisions, and yet they refuse to leave and go to a shelter.
• NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed worry Monday over reduced revenue from sponsors due to the financial crisis. It’s not all bad. This week a new chain of convenience stores opened in Detroit honoring the Detroit Lions called 0h and Elevens.
• Michael Vick appeared in a Virginia court Tuesday to face state charges of dogfighting. Prosecutors said he put house pets inside the pit bull cage for his own amusement. When will all these pretenders ever learn that there’s only one O.J. Simpson.
• Tiger Woods lost his General Motors endorsement contract Monday due to corporate cuts. He was the wrong golfer for these times. General Motors decided to hire John Daly because he best represents their new slogan, This Time It’s Going to Be Different.
• President Bush said Monday he plans to start building his library. He doesn’t want to be known as a man whose unfounded war and economic folly bankrupted the nation and defeated John McCain. He’d rather think he paved the way for the first black president.
• John McCain said Tuesday that Sarah Palin has a bright future in the GOP. He’s refusing to admit that naming her his running mate was a mistake. Republicans only admit their mistakes when they divorce their first wife or sell their Citigroup stock.
• The California Supreme Court refused to stay the ban on gay marriages Thursday but agreed to hear lawsuits against the ballot measure that banned them. For now, the ban is firm. It’s against the law in California for gays to marry unless it’s to Liza Minnelli.
• Hillary Clinton accepted the Secretary of State job Friday after being assured she will be in control. The current president will somehow have to control the antics of a former president who’s married to his Secretary of State, with world peace in the balance. The first sign of a Great Depression is the return of screwball comedies.
• Topps Baseball Cards released cards of George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, promising that strands of their hair will be inserted into random packages. Think of the possibilities. With advances in DNA technology, one day science will be able to clone a president who owns slaves, frees slaves and brings back the studio system.
• Twilight sold out at movie theaters nationwide this week as girls went wild over a teenage vampire. There’s something romantically appealing about a bloodsucker that never dies. At least that’s what the chairman of Chrysler told the Senate.
• The Los Angeles Auto Show opened Saturday to huge crowds. GM’s market research shows people don’t want to buy high-mileage, low-emission vehicles. They want to buy that car that killed three stuntmen during the filming of the last James Bond movie.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.