HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Barack Obama got adoring press coverage last week as Newsweek compared him to Abe Lincoln and Time compared him to Franklin Roosevelt. President Bush was miffed by the comparisons. Sure Abe Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt led the country out of a civil war and a great depression, but did they ever lead the country into them?
• Somali pirates seized a Saudi oil tanker in the ocean last week. That’s exactly how the Royal Navy started four hundred years ago against Spain. We have to stop sending out U.S.-British history books to Somalia, they’re using them as how-to manuals.
• Somali pirates began negotiating a ransom deal with Saudi Arabia Tuesday after they seized the supertanker Sirius Star, holding 2 million gallons of oil. They are stealing from the Saudis. It’s the ethical equivalent to cheating on John Edwards.
• Al-Qaeda commander Ayman al-Zawahri said Tuesday America elected Barack Obama because he’s a House Negro. That’s so ridiculous. When Barack Obama heard what he said, he laughed so hard he nearly dropped the entire tray of drinks on Oprah’s carpet.
• Iraq’s cabinet voted on Tuesday to keep U.S. troops there for three more years. The Iraqis believe they finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course they only have two hours of electricity a night so they’re never quite sure what they’re seeing.
• Bill Clinton submitted to a financial exam to help Hillary become Secretary of State. It’ll cost him nothing. He agreed to relinquish day-to-day control of his foundation operations, and put everything in a trust to be operated by Somali pirates.
• President Bush hosted the U.S. Ryder Cup golf team in the Oval Office last Monday. They had photographs taken privately. A lot of restricted country clubs have ceremonies like this just before they’re forced by the government to admit black people.
• MGM Mirage chairman Terry Lanni resigned in Las Vegas Tuesday after his resume was exposed as fraudulent. He told them during his job interview he had an MBA, but he lied and was able to bluff them out of a CEO salary and profit bonuses for nine years. This is the last time MGM hires anyone wearing a World Series of Poker bracelet.
• Senator Ted Stevens said Wednesday he won’t ask for a presidential pardon after his conviction cost him his seat. It’s sad. These days President Bush will pardon anyone who will say a nice word about him, but so far everybody would rather do the time.
• Eliot Spitzer’s call girl Ashlee Dupre gave an interview to People magazine on Wednesday. Her tryst with the governor made world news. She got an angry call from her elderly nun grade- school teacher who wondered why she had turned into a Protestant.
• Big Three automakers got a cold shoulder from Congress Wednesday when the CEOs made their pitch. They arrived in town to beg for money in separate private jets. It was a mistake to hire the Marie Antoinette Agency to handle their public relations, and now heads are going to roll.
• Hollywood’s Creative Coalition announced its Inaugural Ball plans Monday. They will charge Washington lobbyists a fortune to rub elbows with the stars. You can’t imagine how much a guy with an elbow fetish will pay to stand next to Scarlett Johannson.
• The Los Angeles Auto Show got underway Tuesday featuring the new super-charged Mustang. The Mustang has always inspired passion. The car’s fold-down front seats used to be ideal for couples parking at the lake and now they make ideal studio apartments.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.