HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Somali pirates seized a Saudi oil tanker off Africa’s coast Monday. The piracy is rampant because Somalia has no functioning government. It usually works out fine unless housing prices in California collapse and the pirates lose their bonuses.
• Saudi Arabia negotiated with pirates who seized a tanker Tuesday. Pirate supply boats delivered food, cocaine and beer to the hijackers on the tanker. They know better than to wait for the Bush administration to rescue black people in the water.
• Al-Qaeda’s Ayman al-Zawahri called Barack Obama a House Negro Tuesday. That’s insulting and also untrue. While it’s true that a U.S. president is considered a servant, now that Wall Street’s out of business the president is virtually unemployed.
• Thanksgiving Day arrives Thursday with holiday travelers enduring more crowded planes due to fewer scheduled flights. It’s not all bad. This year Thanksgiving Day gives the families of Minnesota and Alaska the chance to re-count their blessings.
• John Edwards was tracked by tabloid reporters Tuesday trying to snatch his DNA to match it with his mistress’s baby’s. He’s wealthy, white, male and Southern. Once the tabloids saw the little polo player on the baby’s chest, they released the hounds.
• Bill Clinton campaigned Wednesday for Georgia Senate candidate Jim Martin who’s in a runoff with a GOP candidate. It’s for the filibuster-proof margin. Once the Democrats get 60 Senate votes the Berlin Wall goes back up and we’re on the wrong side of it.
• Los Angeles wildfires were put out after burning hundreds of homes Monday. One was caused by students building a bonfire on a hot dry windy night. Budget cutbacks in Calfornia forced schools to drop the class which taught the sense God gave a goose.
• Mexico City’s mayor declared Monday the city will give free Viagra pills to men over seventy. He said sex is vital to happiness. The Vatican declared an emergency and sent a disaster relief team to Mexico City to hand out guilt at Red Cross centers.
• Nancy Pelosi refused to schedule a lame-duck session Friday to give automakers billions and force them build advance vehicles. She’s no fool. Democrats want to be in favor of fuel-efficient cars but they don’t want to run for re-election on them.
• Alaska’s Senator Ted Stevens conceded defeat in his recount Friday. Had he won he would have been expelled, letting Sarah Palin name herself to succeed him in the Senate. There goes the last chance for Neiman-Marcus to salvage a decent fourth quarter.
• The Massachusetts town of Attleboro threatened to evict a blind woman from her home Tuesday because she owed one cent on her water bill. It’s an old Puritan town. They’re upset because the bill was mailed on Friday and should have arrived by Monday.
• Sarah Palin was served with an ethics complaint in Alaska Wednesday for doing TV interviews in the governor’s office to promote her future presidential plans. It gets worse. Sarah Palin filed the complaint herself just to keep her name in the news.
• Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle was named Secretary of Health and Human Services Wednesday. Health care reform is a priority in every administration. It’s on the to-do list right after energy independence and a Cubs World Series victory.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.