HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Barack Obama’s interview on CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday drew the biggest ratings for the show in 10 years. He vowed to lobby for college football playoffs and end the BCS. They’d better do what he says, starting January 20th he has the nuclear football.
• Somali pirates hijacked a Saudi Arabian oil super-tanker off the east coast of Africa Monday with 3 million barrels of oil. There’s no reason to attack. At the rate the price of oil is falling the pirates will be out of business in two weeks.
• Men’s Health magazine this month lists 10 ways for men to improve their prostate health. Too many men simply live with the problem. Ten percent of all men in Los Angeles get up and go to the bathroom at night while 90 percent get up and go home.
• Newt Gingrich fired up the GOP conservative base Tuesday by saying that a gay fascism is now in existence inside this country. It’s all because of Broadway. Mel Brooks would’ve gladly staged Springtime for Lincoln but Hitler is just plain funnier.
• Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban faces a $2 million fine from the SEC for insider trading. He sold a stock just before it went down. The fine is pretty lenient when you consider a lot of people on Wall Street want to burn him as a witch.
• Journal Science reported Monday that ancient skeletons found in Saxony prove Stone Age man formed nuclear families. In one grave was found a man, a woman and two kids. GM executives told Congress if they’d driven a bigger car they’d be alive today.
• Alan Keyes filed suit in California court to prevent the state’s electoral votes from going to Barack Obama until he proves he was born in America. Some people say he was born in Africa and his Hawaiian birth certificate is fake. That’s just our luck, America finally elects a black president and he turns out to be an illegal alien.
• The Big Three automaker chairmen went before Congress Tuesday to testify about their plight and their need for a federal bailout. They only had half the crowd on their side. Republicans consider the need for money to be a serious character flaw.
• Bill Clinton was asked to list the countries that fund his organization before Hillary can get a cabinet post. He’s in trouble. It’s a bad idea to be exposed as a foreign agent this close to a James Bond movie opening or the season premiere of 24.
• Barack Obama reportedly offered the job of Attorney General to Eric Holder Tuesday. He was assistant Attorney General under Bill Clinton. The good thing about having former Clinton people interpreting the law for you is that oral sex is not adultery and they can prove it.
• Barack Obama met with John McCain in Chicago Monday to discuss issues they can work on together. McCain has a long history of working with Democrats and Republicans in the U.S. Senate. He knows how to reach across the aisle and under the bathroom stall.
• Iraq’s cabinet agreed Monday to have U.S. troops stay in their country for three more years. Then we can leave. When we went in there, gasoline was two dollars a gallon, and now that gasoline is $2 a gallon again we’ve achieved our goals.
• Sarah Palin was interviewed by all the networks at the GOP governors conference in Florida. Nothing will stop her from running in four years. You knew she’d be back when everything in Yorba Linda burned last week except the Richard Nixon Library.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.