HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Osama bin Laden issued a statement to the world on Saturday saying that Barack Obama is a Muslim because his father was a Muslim. That’s simply ridiculous. Does that make George W. Bush a good president just because his father was a good president?
• Ringling Brothers was scheduled to go on trial for elephant abuse this week in Washington D.C. but the trial got delayed. They’re having trouble finding an impartial jury. Everyone is so mad at Republicans they won’t convict anyone who’d assault an elephant.
• West Virginia made the news Monday when a survey said Huntington was the number-one city in residents with no teeth, poor health and obesity. At least they have the best investment bankers in the whole world. They have all their money in Grocery Sacks.
• Mexico City’s mayor said Monday the city will begin giving free anti-impotency pills to men over 70. It’s a humanitarian gesture. They heard the Los Angeles school system is laying off teachers and they want to do everything they can to help.
• Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was accused by the SEC of engaging in insider trading four years ago. Federal authorities say he was trying to avoid losses. If losses make Mark Cuban queasy he’s making a mistake trying to buy the Chicago Cubs.
• Tennessee Nazi teenagers went on trial Friday for planning to kill Barack Obama during the campaign. There simply isn’t equal justice in this country. Hillary Clinton tried to knock off Barack Obama all year and she could get Secretary of State for it.
• Barack Obama and Tina Fey were reported Monday to be the leading candidates for Time’s annual Person of the Year award next month. They should share the magazine cover. The two of them are equally responsible for costing the Republicans the White House.
• Iraq’s cabinet agreed Monday to keep U.S. troops in their country for three more years and now the agreement faces debate in Iraq’s parliament. U.S. troops are in no hurry. They would just as soon apply for Iraqi citizenship as come home in this job market.
• John Kerry was reported Monday to be seeking the Secretary of State nomination. His skills are well-known. He lost the presidential race four years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he’s not just any idiot.
• President Bush trumpeted his economic policy in Washington Saturday. It’s been a success. He ran for president on the promise of the Ownership Society and after eight years the government owns the banks and they are about to buy the auto industry.
• Moammar Khaddafi sent the U.S. $1 billion Monday to pay for Libyan terror attacks 20 years ago. He’ll die old. Unlike other comedians in the Middle East, Mo Khadaffi knows how to walk the fine line between getting laughs and getting hanged.
• The National Enquirer obtained a soiled diaper of the infant denied by John Edwards Friday and they’re looking for a DNA sample from Edwards for a paternity test. He’s sunk. Barbers in Beverly Hills send their kids to college by saving everybody’s hair sample.
• Sarah Palin gave a speech to the GOP Governors Conference which got terrible reviews. She’s like a turtle sitting on a fence post. You know she didn’t get up there by herself, she doesn’t belong up there, she doesn’t know what to do up there, you simply wonder what kind of idiot would put her up there in the first place.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.