BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Barack Obama offered himself as an example of hope to a cheering Chicago crowd Tuesday. It whipped the crowd into a frenzy. If America can elect a black man president whose middle name is Hussein then next year’s the year for the Chicago Cubs.
• John McCain conceded graciously at the Arizona Biltmore Tuesday. He then went into the grill room for a late dinner. An Arizona Republican’s dinner consists of a steak, a bottle of Scotch and a dog, the purpose of the dog being to eat the steak.
• Newsweek reported on Thursday that Sarah Palin spent tons of campaign money on clothes for herself and her family. A staffer described it as hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast. Only the wedding gift departments went untouched.
• Sarah Palin was swarmed by reporters at the Arizona Biltmore Wednesday asking if she will run for president in four years. She’s going back to where she can see Siberia from her house. It’s the penalty for being funnier than the top of the ticket.
• President Bush congratulated Barack Obama Wednesday in a message from the Rose Garden. The president was gracious, conciliatory, complimentary and eloquent. At first everyone thought it was a Bush impersonator but it didn’t sound enough like him.
• Reverend Jesse Jackson was spotted by television cameras at Barack Obama’s victory rally Tuesday night with tears streaming down his face. It wasn’t an uncommon sight. A lot of people cry when they are forced out of business.
• California voters passed a law banning same-sex marriage Tuesday as did voters in Florida and Arizona. One look at the three states on a map tells you all you need to know. The only thing that gay couples hate more than discrimination is winter.
• West Hollywood held a huge gay protest march Wednesday after California voters banned same-sex marriage. Emotions are running high. Gay marriage is opposed by evangelical Christians and Mormons, who define marriage as a union between Republicans.
• Condi Rice flew to the Middle East for peace talks Wednesday. A new poll shows 90 percent of Americans are confused about foreign policy. Those are alarming figures, especially when you consider that the poll was taken at the State Department.
• Barack Obama’s election drew rave reviews from Ten Downing Street and leaders in Europe. It was an American civics lesson to the world. Barack Obama proved it doesn’t matter what color you are, Bill Clinton proved it doesn’t matter how poor you are, George W. Bush proved it doesn’t matter how smart you are, anyone can become president.
• Mayor Mike Bloomberg ordered all New York taxi companies to use hybrid cars in five years. It saves more than money. The slow speed and terrible acceleration of these cars will give New York cab drivers something to complain about besides Zionism.
• Chevron reported another quarter of record high profits on Friday. It prompted the usual call for gun control in the Senate. Every time the family oil company announces its quarterly earnings, Jay Rockefeller shoots another hole in the ceiling.
• The U.S. Treasury forced banks to accept billions of dollars last week with orders to loan it out to begin the president’s rescue plan. There’s an easier way. The day before, a bank teller pulled out a gun and ordered a customer to deposit all his money.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.