HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The Hubble Telescope sent back photographs which astonished astronomers Monday, showing that the planet Mercury is covered in a mysterious blue gooey substance. It’s no mystery. It’s just Tim Russert out there somewhere awarding Mercury to Barack Obama.
• Election Day had the biggest voter turnout ever Tuesday. The voters faced three choices. We had to elect an older president, or a younger president, or place the U.S. under British trusteeship til the Baby Boom generation can produce a responsible adult.
• The Gallup Poll early exit polls Tuesday showed that the top issue for American voters was the economy. Things have changed a lot. Eight years ago you were asked to vote for the candidate with whom you’d rather have a beer, and Tuesday we elected the candidate we thought will drive us to rehab without any further damage to the car.
• Sarah Palin told Ohio Monday that Tina Fey should keep the Saturday Night Live costumes because she’ll be playing her for a long time. They should give lessons to each other. Sarah Palin is a natural comedian while Tina Fey politicked her way to the top.
• Monday Night Football’s Chris Berman interviewed John McCain and Barack Obama during halftime Monday. Most players backed Obama. In his honor the Cincinnati Bengals announced plans this weekend to observe a moment without a nightclub shooting.
• John McCain was red-faced after Dick Cheney endorsed him Sunday. The Democrats quickly aired the videotape in an Obama ad. It gives John McCain the distinction of being the only American pilot to be shot down by both the communists and the fascists.
• Barack Obama upset coal miners on Monday after he was heard on tape vowing to bankrupt coal producers. Coal mining is one of the few remaining American industries that pays workers really well. This proves once and for all that Mexicans are afraid of the dark.
• Joe Biden was in Missouri Monday where he spoke to a crowd in Lee’s Summit. He cited the town’s Confederate namesake. Joe Biden stood onstage and reminded them that the nation united after General Grant went on television and conceded to Robert E. Lee.
• John Edwards did no campaigning for the national ticket last weekend due to his sex scandal. He’d never hurt the party. The morning he slept with his mistress he changed his affiliation to Republican and went back to the Democrats the following day.
• President Bush laid low all weekend with no invitation to speak at rallies for Republicans. He hardly comes outside anymore. President Bush stays at his 25 percent approval rating year after year as if it were a rent-controlled apartment.
• President Bush spoke to the FBI graduating class in Washington D.C. Thursday and defended his wiretapping program. He said we must hear the calls coming into the U.S. The only mystery now is why President Bush named his dog Barney instead of Snoopy.
• The Treasury Department worked Monday to give relief to over-extended homeowners and auto companies on top of nine banks, Bear Stearns and AIG. It’s all courtesy of the taxpayer. Rickey Henderson’s Major League record for most steals was broken halfway through the bailout bill.
• The Federal Election Commission stated Monday that the presidential candidates together spent more than a billion dollars over the last two years trying to get a $400,000 a year job. No one knows why. If it’s not the money there must be a sexual gratification in the power to appoint judges that nobody else knows about.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.