HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The U.S. Constitution requires Americans to elect a new president Tuesday. There are no losers on this day. The winner’s supporters will think they have a mandate to rule and the loser’s supporters will live in a parallel universe in which they won.
• Election Day arrives today and for the first time in 32 years we won’t have a Bush or a Clinton on the national ballot. Expect a record-high voter turnout. All you have to do is give the people what they want and they will show up every time.
• The Federal Election Commission predicted Friday that a 130 million people will vote today. Everyone will watch the historic results tonight. For Anglo-Saxon males it will be only the 44th chance to see one of our own elected president.
• John McCain and Barack Obama vowed change if elected president. They would replace a guy who invaded Iraq, tripled gas prices, crashed the stock market and took over the banks. Either candidate would have won in a landslide by promising to Change Back.
• John McCain appeared on Saturday Night Live Saturday. He showed up with a flag of truce. From now on when a nominee considers vice presidents he’ll check three times to make sure they don’t have any look-alikes on the cast of Saturday Night Live.
• Sarah Palin appeared at three campaign events in Florida Saturday to capitalize on her appeal to evangelical voters in the state. She helps conservative candidates all over the South. While there she picked up the endorsement of Unplanned Parenthood.
• Barack Obama’s campaign confirmed news reports on Saturday that Barack Obama’s aunt, Zeituni Onyango from Kenya, is living in the United States illegally. The Republicans are outraged. They’re convinced it’s a last minute trick to carry Arizona.
• The Bush administration was reported Friday to have denied Barack Obama’s aunt a visa. There are no illegals in the Bush family. When the Bushes landed at Ellis Island, they planted a flag and claimed it in the name of King Charles II and England.
• Barack Obama spent the early part of the weekend stumping for votes in Arizona and Nevada. His audiences were enthusiastic. In the desert Southwest Barack Obama has replaced the Virgin Mary as the number-one sighting on grilled cheese sandwiches.
• Senator Elizabeth Dole was sued by her opponent Kay Hagan Friday for claiming in an ad that she was godless. It’s a rough sport. One candidate told her voters that her husband’s a coke dealer because she doesn’t want them to know he’s an investment banker.
• President Bush warned Americans of rough times ahead following the Wall Street meltdown in October. His own prospects are good. The MGM Grand had planned to offer President Bush a job as a greeter in the casino but now they’ve decided to hire him as a cooler.
• White House construction workers began putting together the Inaugural Day stands on Saturday. Outside his window, the president can hear sawing and hammering on the scaffolding. It’s the first good laugh Saddam Hussein’s had since he went to hell.
• Osama bin Laden announced Friday he would make an announcement to the world on the eve of the American presidential election. He wants to say thank-you to President Bush and Dick Cheney for picking up the costs of schools and hospitals in Iraq and in Afghanistan. Education and health care costs were bankrupting his organization.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.