HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• ABC’s Monday Night Football will host John McCain and Barack Obama at half-time tonight. They may do a little game analysis. John McCain will call for the bomb and Barack Obama will say the quarterback ought to share his salary with the middle class.
• The Hubble Telescope was repaired Friday in time to transmit spectacular color photos of two galaxies colliding in outer space. There’s absolutely nothing left of them. Those laid-off Lehman Brothers brokers must have gone to work as astronomers.
• President Bush called the Philadelphia Phillies Wednesday to congratulate them on defeating Tampa Bay to win the World Series. The final game was played on two separate days because of rain. Every time Florida is involved, the count takes longer.
• Beatles producer Phil Spector walked into L.A. County court for his murder trial Friday wearing a Barack Obama pin. It’s that Messiah thing again. Phil Spector’s only chance of walking free is if Barack Obama will raise Lana Clarkson from the dead.
• West Hollywood held its Halloween Parade Friday, drawing the scariest people in Christendom to Santa Monica Boulevard. It was festive. One guy came to the parade dressed as Sarah Palin with no rope around her neck and won for Most Original Costume.
• Sarah Palin spoke to a crowd in the town of Latrobe, Pennsylvania Friday. It’s the birthplace of Arnold Palmer. Whenever Republicans are behind in the polls they do a pilgrimage to Arnold’s birthplace and walk the golf course in hopes of a miracle.
• Sarah Palin hinted Friday that she is positioning herself to run for president in four years. She literally came out of nowhere. John McCain only selected Sarah Palin because he never wanted to be in the position of receiving CPR from Mitt Romney.
• John Dean hosted an airing of All the President’s Men on AMC Sunday. It’s about how the press uncovered Richard Nixon’s use of a covert unit called the White House Plumbers to break into Democratic headquarters. John McCain doesn’t realize that when he is campaigning with Joe the Plumber, he is setting himself up for impeachment.
• John McCain appeared in Ohio Thursday with Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin. He learned everything he needs to know about politics from Jack Benny, Jerry Seinfeld and Mary Tyler Moore. Surround yourself with funnier people and you will work forever.
• Barack Obama did a half-hour campaign infomercial Wednesday. It got bad reviews from infomercial producers who know how to sell something in 30 minutes. You don’t sell furniture polish by consoling people who just stubbed their toe on a table.
• Barack Obama’s campaign plane barred all reporters Friday whose newspapers had endorsed John McCain. Their seats went to reporters from the black magazines Jet and Essence. This election may not turn so much on skin color as it does on skin thinness.
• Barack Obama was reported Friday to have sent all his California volunteers to Nevada and Colorado. California looked like no contest. So when sales of white wine and crack cocaine fell in California in October, it wasn’t due to the financial crisis.
• Wall Street ended its worst month in 21 years Friday. It saw the fall of three major banks, brokerages and insurance companies, resulting in emergency federal intervention. If President Bush could do it all over again he would have accused Iraq of possessing toxic mortgage debt and the threat to America would have been real.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.